求一段英文的冷笑话

急求一个很短的英语冷笑话~~

One day ,a little penguin ask his grandmother,"grandma,grandma,am i a penguin?'"yeah,you are certainly a penguin!'The little ask his father again,"dad,dad,am i a penguin??""yes,you are a penguin,what's the matter??""but,why am i feel so cold????"


There is this guy and this girl and they want to have sex. So they go to the girls house and before entering the girl stops the guy and says.

"My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bunk bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing, so when I say `baloney` it means push harder, and when I say `pastrami` it means push slower."

With this the two get onto the top bunk and have sex. First, the girl moans, "baloney,baloney,baloney" then shouts "pastrami,pastrami,pastrami" and then back to "baloney,baloney,baloney"

Finally, the girls sister says "Will you guys quit making sandwiches up there, you`re getting mayonaise all over me!"

1

Q: Why did the man throw a bucket of water out the window?

A: He wanted to see the waterfall.



2

Q: Why did the man throw the butter out the window?

A: He wanted to see the butterfly.



3

Q: Why did the man put the clock in the safe?

A: He wanted to save time.



4

Q: What has two hands and a face, but no arms and legs?

A: A clock.



5

Q: What has a neck, but no head?

A: A bottle.



6

Q: Where is the ocean the deepest?

A: On the bottom.



7

Q: Why did the man throw his watch out of the window?

A: He wanted to see time fly.



one car come, one car come
two car pangpang
one car die





four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. the nurse comes up to the first man and says, "congratulations, you got twins." the man said "how strange, i'm the manager of minnesota twins." after awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "congratulations, you got triplets." man was like "hmmm, strange i worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "congratulations, you got twins x2." man is happy and says, "ironic, i work for the hotel "4 seasons." all three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing god and banging his head on the wall. they asked him what's wrong and he answered, "what's wrong? i work for 7up"!四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3m公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"呵呵,一个比一个效率高.osama bin laden, a canadian, and president bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. they rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "i will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." the canadian said, "i am a father and my son will be a farmer so i want the soil in canada to be forever fertile." the genie said the magic words and the wish came true. osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. president bush said "genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” it’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." president bush said,” wow! that’s a big bridge...fill it with water!!! 拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"my baby swallowed a bulletyoung mother: "doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. what shall i do ?doctor: "don't point him at anybody."notes1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹2. to point at: 对...瞄准个中意味自己体会吧 :)allybabyonce two hunters went hunting in the forest. one of them suddenly fell down by accident. he showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. the other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. the operator said calmly:"first, you should make sure that he is already dead." then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"what should i do next?" 两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？” fool_fox 标题：i'm the boss内容：the boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "i'm the boss". he then taped it to his office door.later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "your wife called, she wants her sign back!" note:staff meeting:员工会议再来一个：wife's picturea businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.after he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. after he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.the bartender says, "look, buddy, i'll bring you martinis all night long. but you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."the customer replies, "i'm peeking at a photo of my wife.when she starts to look good, then i know it's time to go home." note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈martini 马提尼酒peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看

多给你几个吧！反正都是抄的！希望你能开心！！！He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

Police: When can it be that the thieves broke into your house?Owner: How could I know as my watch was stolen? 警察：你估计小偷是什么时候进入你家的？失主：我的手表都被偷走了，我怎么知道是什么时候？ Psychiatrist: What's your problem?Patient: I think I'm a chicken.Psychiatrist: How long has this been going on?Patient: Ever since I was an egg! 精神病医师：你哪里不舒服？病人：我认为我是一只鸡。精神病医师：这种情况从什么时候开始的？病人：从我还是一只蛋的时候开始。 We have got a new dog, would you like to come around and play with him?
Well, I don't know. Does he bite?
That's what I want to find out.

我们又得到了一只新狗，你要过来和他玩玩吗？
哦， 我不知道。他咬人吗？
这正是我想要知道的。

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning?
Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".
老师:为什么你每天早晨都迟到?
汤姆:每当我经过学校的拐角处,僦看见一个牌子仩写着"学校----慢行".
******************************
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.

事实上，只有一杯酒就让我醉倒了，糟糕的是，我不能想起来它是第十三杯还是第十四杯。
***************************

某次英文考试有两道题目： 1）我穿上外套，却发现第一个扣子掉了。 2）他听见电话铃响，就过去接了电话。 正确答案应为： 1）I put on my coat and found its first button was gone. 2）As soon as he heard the phone ringing, he went to pick it up. 但是某生的答案是： 1）Shit! 2）Hello? 老师在黑板上写了一句：Time is money，并让同学们翻译。 有名学生答道：“汤姆是玛丽。” 小明上英文课时跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明就坐了下来。过了一会儿，小明又跟老师说：May I go to the toilet? 老师说：Go ahead. 小明又坐了下来。他旁边的同学于是忍不住问：你不是跟老师说要上厕所吗？怎么不去？ 小明说：你没听老师说「去你个头」啊！ 某日刘洪涛遇到外宾，上前搭话曰：I am hongtao liu． 外宾曰：我他妈还是方片七呢！ 江青会见外宾，要求翻译要严格按她的意思翻，不许走样。 外宾一见到江青，立刻拍马屁道："Miss Jiang, you are very beautiful." 翻译照翻，江青心花怒放，嘴上还要谦虚一下：“哪里，哪里”。 翻译不敢怠慢，把江青的话翻成英文："Where? Where?" 外宾一愣，还有这样的人，追问哪里漂亮的，干脆马屁拍到底："Everywhere, everywhere." 翻译：“你到处都很漂亮。” 江青更高兴了，但总是要客气一下：“不见得，不见得”。 翻译赶紧翻成英文："You are not allowed to see, you are not allowed to see." 一对热恋中的男女。女生非常没有安全感，于是对着男友说：“SAY ‘I LOVE YOU!!’SAY IT! SAY IT! SAY IT!” 男的答道：“IT!” 某人刻苦学习英语，终有小成。一日上街不慎与一老外相撞， 忙说：I am sorry. 老外应道：I am sorry too. 某人听后又道：I am sorry three. 老外不解，问：What are you sorry for? 某人无奈，道：I am sorry five. 某男，亦粗通英文，至使馆，有表要填，有一栏是：Sex，该男思之久已，毅然下笔：“Once a week”。 签证官观后暴笑，曰：“This item should be filled in with male or female.” 该男顿时赧颜，思之，填下“female”，官楞之，曰：“shouldn’t it be male?” 男急释曰：“I am a normal man, so I have sex with female. 上初一的时候，英语老师让我们读课文，恰好是一段对话，于是叫了一男一女两个同学来读。 男：What time is it now? 女：It's nine. 男：Let's go to bed. 女：We go to bed at nine. 全班绝倒。 一天，我准备坐车去学校，正在路上走着，一辆车快速从我面前穿过，并且撞到一位正在观光的日本人。当然情况很是吓人，路边的好心人立刻冲上前去问道：“How are you?” 日本人上气不接下气的回答：“F..ine,th..ank you...and you?” 围观的人顿时愣住。。。由此可知日本人的英文是死记硬背的！

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