一篇比较幽默的短文，初中水平，不要用机器翻译的，人工翻译，到时候演讲需要用到，另外要附上中文翻译。

求一篇经典英语短文 高三课前演讲用 幽默短文 美文 皆可 最好附上中文翻译 谢谢~

Bidding the lovely scenes at distance hail!
向远方的美景欢呼！

-and see no end to the landscape,new objects presenting themselves as we advance;so,in the commencement of life,we set no bounds to our inclinations.nor to the unrestricted opportunities of grastifying them.we have as yet found no obstacle,no disposition to flag;and it seems that we can go on so forever.We look round in a new world,full of life,and motion,and ceaseless progress;and feel in ourselves all the vigour and spirit to keep pace with it,and do not foresee from any present symptoms how we shall be left behind in the natural course of things,decline into old age,and drop into the grave.It is the simplicity,and as it were abstractedness of our feelings in youth,that(so to speak)identifies us with nature ,and(our experience being slight and our passions strong)deludes us into a belief of being immortal like it.Our short-lives connexion with existence we fondly flatter ourselves,is an indissoluble and lasting union-a honeymoon that knows neither coldness,jar,nor separation.As infants smile and sleep,we are rocked in the cradle of our wayward fancies,and lulled into security by the roar of the universe around us0we quaff the cup of life with eager haste without draining it,instead of which it only overflows the more-objects press around us,filling the mind with their magnitude and with the strong of desires that wait upon them,so that we have no room for the thoughts of death.

此时，但觉好风光应接不暇，而且，前程更有美不胜收的新鲜景致。在这生活的开端，我们听任自己的志趣驰骋，放手给它们一切满足的机会。到此为止，我们还没有碰上过什么障碍，也没有感觉到什么疲惫，因此觉得还可以一直这样向前走去，直到永远。我们看到四周一派新天地——生机盎然，变动不居，日新月异；我们觉得自己活力充盈，精神饱满，可与宇宙并驾齐驱。而且，眼前也无任何迹象可以证明，在大自然的发展过程中，我们自己也会落伍，衰老，进入坟墓。由于年轻人天真单纯，可以说是茫然无知，因而将自己跟大自然划上等号；并且，由于经验少而感情盛，误以为自己也能和大自然一样永世长存。我们一厢情愿，痴心妄想，竟把自己在世上的暂时栖身，当作千古不变、万事长存的结合，好像没有冷淡、争执、离别的密月。像婴儿带着微笑入睡，我们躺在用自己编织成的摇篮里，让大千世界的万籁之声催哄我们安然入梦；我们急切切，兴冲冲地畅饮生命之杯，怎么也不会饮干，反而好像永远是满满欲溢；森罗万象纷至沓来，各种欲望随之而生，使我们腾不出工夫想死亡。



The More Loving One
让我们成为更有爱心的人
W.H.Auden/W.H.奥登

Looking up at the stars, I know quite well 仰望群星的时分，我一清二楚，
That, for all they care, I can go to hell, 尽管它们关怀备至，我亦有可能赴地府，
But on earth indifference is the least 可是尘世间我们丝毫不必畏惧
We have to dread from man or beast. 人类或禽兽的那份冷漠。

How should we like it were stars to burn 倘若群星燃烧着关怀我们的激情，
With a passion for us we could not return? 我们却无法回报，我们作何感想？
If equal affection cannot be, 倘若无法产生同样的感情，
Let the more loving one be me. 让我成为更有爱心的人。

Admirer as I think I am 尽管我自视为群星的崇拜者，
Of stars that do not give a damn, 它们满不在乎，
I cannot, now I see them ,say 现在我看群星，我却难以启齿，
I missed one terribly all day. 说我成天思念一颗星星。

Were all stars to disappear or die 倘若所有的星星消失或者消亡，
I should learn to look at an empty sky 我应该学会仰望空荡的天空，
And feel its total dark sublime, 同时感受天空一片漆黑的崇高，
Though this might take me a little time. 虽然这样可能要花费一点时间。‘


The life I desired
我所追求的生活

That must be the story of innumerable couples,and the pattern of lifeof life it offers has a homely grace.It reminds you of a placid rivulet,meandering smoohtly through green pastures and shaded by pleasant trees,till at last it falls into the vasty sea;but the sea is so calm,so silent,so infifferent,that you are troubled suddently by a vague uneasiness.Perhaps it is only by a kink in my nature,strong in me even in those days,that i felt in such an existence,the share of the great majority,something amiss.I recognized its social value.I saw its ordered happiness,but a fever in my blood asked for a wilder course.There seemed to me something alarming in such easy delights.In my heart was desire to live more dangerously.I was not unprepared for jagged rocks and treacherous,shoals it I could only have change-change and the exicitement of unforeseen.

这一定是世间无数对夫妻的生活写照，这种生活模式给人一种天伦之美。它使人想起一条平静的溪流，蜿蜒畅游过绿茵的草场，浓荫遮蔽，最后注入烟波浩渺的汪洋大海；但是大海太过平静，太过沉默，太过不动声色，你会突然感到莫名的不安。也许这只是我自己的一种怪诞想法，在那样的时代，这想法对我影响很深：我觉得这像大多数人一样的生活，似乎欠缺了一点儿什么。我承认这种生活有社会价值，我也看到了它那井然有序的幸福，但我血液里的冲动却渴望一种更桀骜不驯的旅程．这样的安逸中好像有一种叫我惊惧不安的东西．我的心渴望一种更加惊险的生活。只要生活中还能有变迁———以及不可知的刺激，我愿意踏上怪石嶙峋的山崖，奔赴暗礁满布的海

6.

Virtue 美德

Sweet day,so cool,so calm,so bright! 甜美的白昼，如此凉爽、安宁、明媚！
The bridal of the earth and sky- 天地间完美的匹配-----
The dew shall weep thy fall to-night; 今宵的露珠儿将为你的消逝而落泪；
For thou must die. 因为你必须离去。

Sweet rose,whose hue angry and brave, 美丽的玫瑰，色泽红润艳丽，
Bids the rash gazer wipe his eye, 令匆匆而过的人拭目而视，
Thy root is ever in its grave, 你的根永远扎在坟墓里，
And thou must die. 而你必须消逝。

Sweet spring,full of sweet days and roses, 美妙的春天，充满了美好的日子和芳香的玫瑰，
A box where sweets compacted lie, 如一支芬芳满溢的盒子，
My music shows ye have your closes, 我的音乐表明你们也有终止，
And all must die, 万物都得消逝。

Only a sweet and virtuous soul, 唯有美好而正直的心灵，
Like season\'d timber,never gives; 犹如干燥备用的木料，永不走样；
But though the whole world turn to coal, 纵然整个世界变为灰烬，
Then chiefly lives. 它依然流光溢彩。



自己选吧

1）13689美金
1)thirteen thousand six hundred and eighty-nine dollars
2）50万元人民币
2) five hundred thousand yuan
3）使我的薪水越来越高，使我的生活越来越好。
3) to increase my salary and to make my life better
4）为什么90% 的中国学生毕业后都不回国？那是他们，不是我，我一定要回来的。
4) Why is ninety percent of Chinese students do not return home after graduation? It's them, not me, I'm sure to come back.
5）因为我不希望只是为了赚钱而留在美国刷盘子，而不能把我的专业知识应用上
Because I don't want to stay in the U.S. and washing the dishes just for making money instead of applying my professional knowledge into working.
6）这所学校拥有全美第三大研究生院。
The school owns the third largest graduated school in the whole U.S..
7)它崇尚与实践相结合的教学理念并与工商企业界有着长期的实质联系.
The school adores the teaching thoery that combines teaching and practising and it has a long-term solid relationship with business and industry circle.
8)拥有一流的图书馆，先进的多媒体教室和全美第三大的网络藏书量
The school is in possession of a library of first class,advanced multi-media classrooms and the third largest Internet book collection in the nation.
9）历史悠久的学校，有专业特色的学校
It's a school of a long history with professional features.

找了好多，自己选选吧！
Father's Things
When Tom Howard was seventeen years old he was as tall as his father, so he began to borrow Mr. Howard's clothes when he wanted to go out with his friends in the evening.
Mr. Howard did not like this, and he always got very angry when he found his son wearing any of his things.
One evening when Tom came downstairs to go out, his father stopped him in the hall. He looked at Tom's clothes very carefully.
Then he said angrily, "Isn't that one of my ties, Tom?"
"Yes, Father, it is," answered Tom.
"And that shirt's mine too."
"Yes, that's yours too," answered Tom.
"And you're wearing my belt!" said Mr. Howard.
"Yes, I am, Father," answered Tom. "You don't want your trousers to fall down, do you?"
父亲的东西
汤姆.霍德华十七岁的时候，长得和父亲一样高了，于是当他晚上和朋友一起出去时，就开始借父亲的衣服穿。
霍德华先生可不喜欢这样，当他发现他的儿子穿他的衣服时，总是非常生气。
一天晚上，汤姆下楼准备出去，父亲在门厅里拦住了他。他细细打量着汤姆的穿着。
然后他气呼呼地说：“汤姆，那不是我的一条领带吗？”
汤姆回答说：“是的，父亲，是你的领带。”
“还有那衬衫也是我的。”
“是的，衬衫也是你的。”汤姆回答说。
“还有呢，你连皮带也用我的。”霍德华先生说。
“是的，父亲，”汤姆回答说，“你不愿意让你的裤子掉下来吧？”

The World's Greatest Swordsman

At an exhibition of the world's best swordsman, the third-place fencer took the stage. A fly was released, and with an arc of his sword he cut the fly in half. The crowd cheered. Then the second-place man sliced a fly into quarters. A hush fell in anticipation of the world's greatest swordsman.

His blade came down in a mighty arc - but the insect continued on its way! The crowd was aghast. The greatest swordsman had missed his target completely, yet he continued to smile.

"Why are you so happy?" someone yelled. "You missed!"

"Ah," replied the swordsman, "you weren't watching very carefully. They fly lives, yes - but he will never be a father."

世界上最伟大的击剑手
在一场世界最佳击剑手表演中，排名第三的击剑手上场了。一只苍蝇放了出来，剑划了一个弧，他将苍蝇劈成了两半。观众欢呼起来。紧接着排名第二的人将一只苍蝇切成了四半。现场一阵沉默，人们期盼着世界上最伟大的击剑手出场。
他的剑锋以一个巨大的弧线划了下来－－然而那只昆虫还在继续飞行!观众被惊呆了。最伟大的击剑手完全错过了他的目标，然而他还在微笑着。
“你为什么这么高兴？”有人嚷道，“你没击中!”
“啊，”剑手答道，“你刚才没有很仔细地看。苍蝇还活着，是的－－但他永远也做不成爸爸了。”
—————————————————————————————————————————
A Mistake

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were killed in a car accident. They arrived at the gates of heaven, where a flustered St. Peter explained that there had been a mistake. "Give me $500 each," he said, "and I'll return you to earth as if the whole thing never happened."

"Done!" said the American. Instantly, he found himself standing unhurt near the scene.

"Where are the others?" asked a medic.

"Last I knew," said the American, "the Scot was haggling price, and the Canadian was arguing that his government should pay."

搞错了

一位美国人，一位英格兰人和一位加拿大人在一场车祸中丧生。他们到达天堂的门口。在那里，醉醺醺的圣彼德解释说是搞错了。“每人给我五百美元，”他说，“我将把你们送回人间，就象什么都没有发生过一样。”

“成交!”美国人说。立刻，他发现自己毫不损伤地站在现场附近。

“其他人在哪儿？”一名医生问道。

“我离开之前，”那名美国人说，“我看见英格兰人正在砍价，而那名加拿大人正在分辩说应该由他的政府来出这笔钱。”
————————————————————————————————————————
Pig or Witch

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells "PIG!!" The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, "WITCH(女巫)!!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road. If only men would listen.

猪还是女巫

一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
—————————————————————————————————————————
Response Ability

An Ogden, Iowa, minister was matching coins with a member of his congregation for a cup of coffee. When asked if that didn't constitute gambling, the minister replied, "It's merely a scientific method of determining just who is going to commit an act of charity."

Philosopher Bertrand Russell, asked if he was willing to die for his beliers, replied: "Of course not. After all, I may be wrong."

A newspaper organized a contest for the best answer to the question: "If a fire broke out in the Louvre, and if you could only save one painting, which one would you carry out?"
The winning reply was: "The one nearest the exit."

答问技巧

衣阿华州奥格根的一位牧师正在与一位教友为一杯咖啡而猜硬币。别人问他那是否构成赌博行为时，牧师答道：“这仅仅是决定由谁来做一件善事的一种科学方法。”

当我人问哲学家罗素是否愿意为了他的信仰而献身时，他答道：“当然不会。毕竟，我可能会是错的。”

一份报纸组织了一场竞赛，为下面的问题征集最佳答案：“如果卢浮宫起了火，而你只能救出一幅画，你将救出哪一幅？”
获奖的答案是：“最接近门口的那一幅。”
————————————————————————————————————————
Jonesie The Great Lion Hunter

A small village was troubled by a man-eating lion. So its leaders sent a message to the great hunter, Jonesie, to come and kill the beast.

For several nights the hunter lay in wait for the lion, but it never appeared. Finally, he told the village chief to kill a cow and give him its hide. Draping the skin over his shoulders, he went to the pasture to wait for the lion.

In the middle of the night, the villagers woke to the sound of blood-curdling shrieks coming from the pasture. As they carefully approached, they saw the hunter on the ground, groaning in pain. There was no sign of the lion.

"What happened, Jonesie? Where is the lion?" asked the chief.

"Forget the damn lion!" he howled. "Which one of you idiots let the bull loose?"

伟大的猎手Jonesie

有个小村庄正为一只吃人的狮子而烦恼。于是，村长派人去请伟大的猎手Jonesie来杀死这只野兽。

猎手躺着等了几个晚上，但狮子一直没有出现。最后，他要求村长杀只羊然后把头皮给他。把羊皮披在身上后，猎人到草原上去等狮子。

半夜，村民被从草原传来的声嘶力竭的尖叫声惊醒。他们小心地靠近后，看到猎手正躺在草地上痛苦地呻吟。没有狮子出没的蛛丝马迹。

“Jonesie，怎么了？狮子在哪？”村长问。

“哪有狮子！”猎人怒吼道，“哪个傻瓜把公牛放出来了？”
————————————————————————————————————————
Weather Predict

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained.

A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather.

However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "Radio is broken."

天气预报

一个电影摄制组在沙漠深处工作.一天,一个印度老人到导演跟前告诉导演说"明天下雨."第二天果然下雨了.

一周后,印度人又来告诉导演说,"明天有风暴."果然,第二天下了雹暴.

"印度人真神,"导演说.他告诉秘书雇佣该印度人来预报天气.

几次预报都很成功.然后,接下来的两周,印度人不见了.

最后,导演派人去把他叫来了."我明天必须拍一个很大的场景,"导演说,"这得靠你了.明天天气如何啊?"

印度人耸了耸肩."我不知道,"印度人说,"收音机坏了."
——————————————————————————————————————————
I Am Acting Like a Lady

One day when women's dresses were on sale at the FarEast Department Store, a dignified middle-aged man decided to get his wife a piece. But he soon found himself being battered by frantic women.

He stood it as long as he could; then, with head lowered and arms flailing, he plowed through the crowed.

"You there!" challenged a thrill voice. "Can't you act like a gentleman?"

"Listen," he said, "I have been acting like a gentleman for an hour. From now on, I am acting like a lady."

我要表现得象位女士

一天，远东百货公司的女装大减价，一位高贵的中年男士想给太太买一件。可是，没过多久，他发现自己已被疯狂的女人冲得踉踉跄跄。

他竭力忍耐着。后来，他低下头，挥动双臂，挤过人群。

“你干嘛？”有人尖声叫道，“你难道不能表现得象位绅士吗？”

“听着，”他说，“我已经象绅士一样表现了一个小时。从现在起，我要表现得象个女士。”

---

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