急！！！！！！！！搞笑英语剧本，3-4人，5分钟左右

急求搞笑英语短剧！3~5分钟的！！！快快快！！！~

一个精神病院，有4个精神病,一天下大雨。有3个精神病都说：太好了，可以洗澡了。就都出去洗澡了。一个精神病坐在墙角偷笑。院长问他你为什么不去洗澡？ 他说：他们都傻，那水多凉啊！我等水热乎的。

there are four mental patient in a Neurosis Hospital.one day,it was raining outside,three patients said :"that is great,we could have bathing."then they three did that outside.while a patient who sat at the corner was tittering.the hospital chief asked he that why you didn't going to bath ?he said:they were silly,how cold the water now!i was waiting for the hot water

孙悟空 Monkey ( M for short ) 白骨精 Jenny White ( J for short )
　　唐僧 Tang Seng ( T for short ) 黄袍怪 Yellow ( Y for short )
　　沙僧 Sha Seng ( S for short ) 猪八戒 Pig ( P for short )
　　小妖 Mini Monster ( A B C D )
　　Act 1
　　（J 照着镜子上台，后面跟着一个小妖B手捧一盒化装品，如Clean &Clear等）
　　J: Another pimple!　　they are useless. What can I do?

（这时4，电话铃不知趣地响了起来，J不耐烦地从B手中接过听筒，于是，一个更另她心烦的声音就在电话那头响起。）
　　Y: Hello! It’s me.

J: I know it’s you. You call me every day ，it has 400 years 。

Y: And today, I’ll ask the same question again.Will you marry me?

(J对这位契而不舍的追求者已厌烦到了极点。)
　　J:You wish ! I get one more pimple. How bad!

Y: Ah! I just call to tell you the meat of Tang Seng can make you beautiful and Tang Seng will come to our place.We can go and catch him together.

J:ok ,ok,. I will have a rest.(不待Y说完，J就没好气地挂断了电话。)

Y；Refuse me again .I will never give up.(说罢，好不威风的下台去了)
　　J: How nasty he is! ( 她想了想，对B道 ) But Tang Seng is really good for me　　(B显然理解主人的意思，递过一副望远镜。J便观察起T的行踪来。)
　　J: ( 欢喜万分 ) Ah-ha,　　

(M握着金箍棒在前面探路,打电话给T)

M：Hi,master.

T; monkey,where are we ?

M;DaHuangZheng,JieShouShi

M;Ok，we are coming.

(P在前面摇摆走着，T随后，可怜S提着许多行李上台)
　　M；master，please（指着一休息地方）
　　（J向B伸手 ，B递上一纸筒——魔力耳朵，J便把耳朵凑上去偷听T师徒四人谈话）
　　T: Monkey!You are great,thank you very much ,I am happy to be your teacher and......

(P懒洋洋地突然打断　)

P: Sir! I’m so hungry.

T: I’m hungry too. Monkey, go and buy some food。Don’t go to LanZhouNiurouMianGuan and LiuYiFanDian, just go to ChangQingFanDian.It is cheap。　

（M点头答应，欲要离去）

T;monkey,just go to changqingfandian.

M;yes sir.( 欲要离去)

T;monkey,wash your box.

M;ok.ok( 欲要离去)

T;monkey,be careful

M;thank you sir( 欲要离去)

T;monkey....(M不耐烦打断)

M；you,go away(飞奔而去)　

（剩余师徒三人拿出经书念起三字经，一会就睡着了。舞台另一头的J听了不禁眉开眼笑。）
　　J: It’s a good time.
　　（J迅速地化装成一个老太婆，挎着篮子走到了T师徒的面前。P闻着香味醒了，并叫醒师傅）
　　P: Ah, an old woman. Hello! What’s in your basket? It smells nice!

J: Some food for my son.

P: I’m hungry. Can I have some?　　

（心急的P伸手去拿篮子里的东西，J假装惊慌地护住了篮子。）
　　T: Pig! be polite to old woman

J: You are very kind. I can give you some food.

T: （ 双手合十 ）Good woman 。　　

（J假意伸手拿食物递给T，企图乘机抓住T,不想袖中露出一只白皙的少女的手，立刻被M瞧出了破绽。）
　　M: ( 一把抓住了J的手腕 ) Who are you? An old woman?
（J虽然是妖怪，但四百年来，这还是头一遭被人这么窝囊地抓住手腕，简直是又羞又怒）
　　J: You……you touch my hand!

M: Monster!

（T听到Monster一词立刻吓得晕倒在S怀中。S惊恐万分）

S；master master,Pig Pig, come here

P(一心盯着妖怪): Beautiful woman

（T听到来着是个美人，忙抬头偷看。T；(感叹) beautiful woman.）
　　M: No matter how big you are, I’ll kill you.

J: No matter how big you are. I’ll kill you　　

M: Monster! Take my stick!

（M举起金箍棒就要向J的头顶击下。就在这千钧一发之际，P忽然扑上去将M拦腰抱住）
　　P: Beauty, run! Run run.　　

(T 逃过一劫，对各位徒弟尤其是M的拼死保护感动之至，对S说；monkey is great。情不自禁地唱起了Only You。其结果，三个土地全头痛欲裂，大吐特吐。)
（终于，T唱完了）

T: ( 清清嗓子 ) Monkey, go and buy the lunch. I’m very hungry.
M: Yes，master，Just stay here。（边说边画圈 ）。Goodbye sir.
　　（M离开后，T等就在圈内又念起三字经，不一会打起瞌睡来，P更是鼾声震天。）
　　（J见M走了，便又来打T的主意。她走了两步，踩到了M画的圈。）
J: Ouch。

（J知道M的厉害，不敢轻举妄动。但T近在眼前，她实在不甘心放弃。她想了想，忽地计上心头，变出一盒KFC。
　　J: Come, come Come。。。　　

（T等仿佛着了魔似的，梦游般循着KFC的香气向圈子外走。J终于如愿地把他们引出来了。就在J的手向T伸去的时候，M赶回来了，再次将J当场抓获。）
　　M: You again!
　　J: You 。you. How nasty you are!
　　M: Now you cannot run!

　(T 刚刚清醒，看到厮杀场面，想到自己又一次有惊无险，感叹；monkey is really great。不仅又唱起了Only You。M不堪忍受此歌声，抓着J的手也放松了。J乘机溜走了。)
（T唱罢，众人终于松了口气。P忽然发现M正望着J远去的方向发愣，伸手在M的眼前晃了晃，M竟然没有反应。）
　　P: ( 调侃地 ) Ah, you like that beautiful woman.

　(　M 回过神来，发现自己的失态，给了P一拳。)
　　T: Monkey, I know that woman is nice, but you cannot love her. loving girls needs time and money. you don’t have much time and much money.
　　M: I won’t.

T: That’s fine. Everybody ,are you reday?

（列队齐声）：Yes sir。（转身跳起了nobody）






我改写别人的，元旦表演了，效果还不错哈

《孔雀东南飞》

焦仲卿Johnny(Jforshort)刘兰芝Lunch(Lforshort)
焦母Johnny’smother(JMforshort)刘母Lunch’smother(LMforshort)
太守之子Mayor’sson(MSforshort)强盗Burglars(ABandC)

Prologue
(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
J:EverybodysaysthatI’mhenpecked,butinfact,I’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy
wifeisWuSong.
(指着上台处的门大声道)I’mnotafraidofyou!
(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’mafraidofwhom?
MywifeLunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.Sheisbraverthanme,
smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.AllthisIdonotcare.Ionlywanthertobetender
thanme.Butsheisnot!Havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
MyGod!Whocanhelpme?(下)

Act1
(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)
JM(拄拐棍上):Ican!
(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Whereareyou?
L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’mhere!What’supmum?
JM:I’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland
dearestmother-in-law”.
L:OK.Mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?
JM:Sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.Youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so
lazy……
L:But……
JM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Neverinterruptme!SinceImarriedyourson,thatterribleJohnny,Ihavebeenworkinghardall
daylong,cookingandwashing.Ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken
and……
JM:Butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!
L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Goandaskyour
son.I’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)

Act2
(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)
L:Mum,I’mback!
LM:Youareback?Why?Whathappened?
L:Iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.
LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!Ihavealreadytoldyou!Whenyouinsistedon
marryingthatterribleJohnny,Itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten
tome.Lookatyourself……
L:But,mum……
LM:Neverinterruptme!
L:Mum,I’mnotinterruptingyou.IjustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightOK?And
I’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.
LM(大喜):Nicegirl!Justnow,Imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.Hesaid:“Ifyoudaughter
Haven’tbeenmarried,Ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”Nowyouarefreeagain,I’llgo
andtellhim.(下)
L(惊愕):What?Themayor’sson?Themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅
铲掉在地上)WhatasillythingIhavedone!(下)

Act3
(J睡眼惺忪上)
J(边走边道):Lunch!Lunch!Wherearemysocks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Heretheyare!(闻一下)　Er!Howsmelly!Theyarestilldirty!
(突然想起)Lunchhasgone!Ihavetowashthemmyself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’msohungry!Butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围　　
　裙)ThisiswhatLunchalwayswears!Imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!Now
shehasgone.Ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.
JM(上):Where’smybreakfast?Where’sLunch?Hasn’tshegotupyet?
J:Mum,can’tyouremember?Lunchhasgone!
JM(沉吟片刻):Well,totellyouthetruthJohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.Lunchisanice
girl,goandtakeherback!
J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!

Act4
(J开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)
A:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
Theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)
B:AndIplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)
AB&C:Giveusallyourmoney!
J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1maoenough?
(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)
A:Whatbadluck!Thisguyisbroken!
B:Ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!
C:Iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarryMissLiuLanzhinextmonth.WEcangoand
robthewedding!
A&B:Goodidea!
J(惊讶):What?What?Lunchisgoingtogetmarried?It’simpossible!
AB&C:Why?Aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!
J:ButLunchismywife!Wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!
(突然有了主意)I’vegotanidea!Youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?I’llgo
　withyou.YoutakethemoneyandItakethebride.
B:Haveyougotanyexperience?
J:No.ButI’vegotthis!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)

Act5
(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)
(J和三强盗跃至台中)
ABC&J:Heyyou!Stopandlistentous!
A:Theroadisbuiltbyme!
B:AndIplantedonetree.
C:Ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---
J:Giveusallyourmoney!
(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)
L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)
(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)
J(火冒三丈):Howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向MS冲去）
(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)
(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)
J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,howareyou?
L(哭状):Ihurtalot!
J:Don’tcrybaby.I’llgoandfetchthemedicine.　(下)
L(起身去追):Waitforme!　(跑下)
(音乐起　CanYouCelebrate)

---

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