英语高手帮看一篇托福作文，有多狠批多狠，给个分数，15分敬上！

英语高手们帮我看一篇我写的托福作文，有多狠批多狠，给个分数，谢谢！15分敬上！~

but also more significant and more meaningful (不明白想表达什么)-->
and has significant meaning to their lives
because they are entailed with much homework.(用词不正式，无法为论点增力)-->
because they have to undertake heavy academic burden.（不一定对）
Both the view points are reasonable, .... while studying is good.(累赘)-->
Both arguments are reasonable,here is my opinion regarding this proposition.
and they can know more moralities which were not encountered before.（遭遇道德显然是不通的） -->
their sense of worth can be tested and modeled (仅供参考)
The second point I would like to make -->
My second point(不要和前面重复)
more and more elites are needed, who have both knowledge and experience.(需要简化句子结构)-->more and more elites with knowledge and experience are required
thinking levels-->mind boundaries(仅供参考)，或者improve our thinking levels改成broaden our horizon and imagination
good chance -->a good chance
pivotal (有的词特别正式，有的词特别不正式)-->vital
such much pressure -->so much pressure
But what else can we do? Working is also studying. Hard as it is, we must face it! (文风骤变，这是议论文，这里有点口语化，而且这个问句问得好像是别无选择一样)
who does not want to have a better life in the future?-->who doesn't want a better future
you can young-->you are young
最后一句收尾不太好，不通

整篇文章的论点论据都是中式思维，尤其是最后“励志”部分，托福文章不是这样写的吧，虽然我没接触过。
把基础打牢先，查出来的单词因为不熟悉，不知道语气轻重，所以要用自己熟悉的词汇，让整篇文章文气贯通。
5分能得个2分。语法和搭配错误是硬伤
一家之言，仅供参考

看图片吧，有些单词感觉用法不对。有些句子结构不太对。
其实我觉得有时用简单句就蛮好，只要能保证正确就行。

批不了多狠，就给些建议吧。
1.个别表达还是属于chinglish。
2.有语法错误，如果不能保证定语从句的完全正确，换其他表达方式吧。
3.作为一篇说理性文章应该尽量避免反问句，而是用肯定句或是绝对否定句来表明观点。
4.整篇文章立论不清，语句有些混乱，比如后边，一下说不能撒谎，再没有语句转换的时候突然又说有时候撒谎也是很必要的，这一点比较混乱
These days, honesty is getting more and more important in friendship
.As a simple reason(这一句很不地道，可简单写为simply speaking), honesty shows your enthusiasm, optimism, credibility and so forth.
It also makes you more reliable and dependable in your friends’ eyes, which can build up stable relationship and enlarge the scale of the circle of your friends(建议这句和上一句用and 连接成一句并把后面的非限定定语从句用so to连接).
However, nothing is absolute, so is this!（so is this可以省略，显重复）
Telling the truth can also bring about unexpected problems, which can trigger miserable consequences.
And now let me tell something about it!（感觉搭配不当，这样用很奇怪，改为tell you something...是不是好点儿）
Honesty is necessary. （可以和上一句连接成一句：...let me tell you something about why honesty is necessary）
If a person hardly ever tells truth, how can he or she be believed by others?(改为否定句更有说服力：he or she will never win other peoples' trust)
I have a classmate who comes from a rural area(改为rural areas), which makes him really shy and not sociable so he is often isolated in our class. (这一句语法有误，which 指代什么？时态也有错误，自己改正时态吧。改为One of my classmates is really shy and unsociable because he comes from rural areas so that he is often isolated in our class. )
But he came out to be a really good student and he got an amazing score in an exam.
That makes us more willing to ask him questions and the glamorous trait fascinates us to interact with him.（改为therefore, we are more willing ...表达会更清楚一些）
However, perhaps he was not satisfied how he was treated when he had came at the beginning of the semester,（去掉when he had came 和of the semester，直接改为at the very beginning表达也很清楚） he usually gave us false answers or just said,” I do not know , either.”, which is not the truth at all. （把the truth改为true 用形容词）
Several times later we got really angry with him and we all stopped talking with him.
So you see, how pivotal role honesty plays in interactions!（So you see去掉，太口语化，改为it can be seen how pivotal....）
As I have said in the first paragraph, nothing is absolute! (改为as mentioned above，nothing is absolute)
Envisage such a plot.
You are very hate smoking(语法错误 you hate smoking very much), while your friend is enjoying inhaling a cigarette just near where you are sitting(把just near where you are sitting 改为 just nearby), how would you say?
If you stop him seriously, by saying,” Inhaling（改为smoking） is harmful to your health and so is to mine, stop please!(please stop it) ”, it is not a pleasant work (直接写unpleasant就好了，把多余的都删去吧)for both you two.（改both of you）
Commonly, you would exalt his pose（his pose改为him吧 更地道，你的表达还是chinglish） when he is smoking. ”You look very cool with a cigarette in your mouth!”
Perhaps the instance is not very appropriate, because I just do not want to make an example knew to everybody. （这一句前半句和后半句没有明显因果关系，不明白这句话的意思，我觉得对文中内容意义不大，删去也是可以的）
Is it OK （OK改为appropriate）to tell a dying patient his or her real symptom?
Isn’t it better for them to live hopefully, optimistically, enthusiastically?
Sometime(s,) truth is not welcomed and lying is also indispensible! （逻辑混乱，前后两种观点中间可以加一些转换的语句，转换有些突兀。）
It is really hard to say whether truth is always acceptable because sometimes truth makes no sense and they can cause problems, but truth is also the premise of friendship. So what is my viewpoint? Just the saying,” Nothing is absolute!”

eexcellent，advice（make a try）：
1:how （what a ）pivotal role honesty plays in interactions!
2:Envisaging such a plot， You hate smoking extremely, while your friend is inhaling a cigarette with enjoyment just near the place which you are sitting,
3:example known to everybody，
4：Sometimes，the truth is ，
5：有些地方：truth改成saying the truth更好
6： However, he was not satisfied how he was treated when he had came at the beginning of the semester, 意思有点含糊，不明确

These days, honesty is getting more and more important in friendship. As a simple reason, honesty shows your enthusiasm, optimism, credibility and so forth. It also makes you more reliable and dependable in your friends’ eyes, which can build up stable relationship and enlarge the scale of the circle of your friends. However, nothing is absolute, so is this! Telling the truth can also bring about unexpected problems, which can trigger miserable consequences. And now let me tell something about it!
这些天，诚信是越来越重要的友谊。作为一个简单的原因，诚实说明你的热情，乐观，信誉等等。它也使你更可靠的和可靠的在你朋友的眼睛，它可以建立稳定的关系，扩大规模的圈子，你的朋友。然而，没有什么是绝对的，所以这是！说实话也能带来意想不到的问题，它可以触发悲惨的后果。现在让我告诉一些关于它的事！
Honesty is necessary. If a person hardly ever tells truth, how can he or she be believed by others? I have a classmate who comes from a rural area, which makes him really shy and not sociable so he is often isolated in our class. But he came out to be a really good student and he got an amazing score in an exam. That makes us more willing to ask him questions and the glamorous trait fascinates us to interact with him. However, perhaps he was not satisfied how he was treated when he had came at the beginning of the semester, he usually gave us false answers or just said,” I do not know , either.”, which is not the truth at all. Several times later we got really angry with him and we all stopped talking with him. So you see, how pivotal role honesty plays in interactions!
诚信是必要的。如果一个人不讲真话，他或她怎么能相信别人？我有个同学是来自农村，这使他很害羞，不善于交际，他经常在我们班。但他来了一个真正的好学生，他得到了一个惊人的成绩在考试。让我们更愿意问他问题和迷人的特质吸引我们与他交流。然而，也许他不满意他是如何处理时，他已经在学期开始，他经常给我们错误的答案或只是说，“我不知道，要么。”，而不是全部的事实。几分钟后我们非常生气，我们都停止与他谈话。所以你看，如何发挥关键作用，诚实的相互作用！
As I have said in the first paragraph, nothing is absolute! Envisage such a plot. You are very hate smoking, while your friend is enjoying inhaling a cigarette just near where you are sitting, how would you say? If you stop him seriously, by saying,” Inhaling is harmful to your health and so is to mine, stop please! ”, it is not a pleasant work for both you two. Commonly, you would exalt his pose when he is smoking. ”You look very cool with a cigarette in your mouth!” Perhaps the instance is not very appropriate, because I just do not want to make an example knew to everybody. Is it OK to tell a dying patient his or her real symptom? Isn’t it better for them to live hopefully, optimistically, enthusiastically? Sometime truth is not welcomed and lying is also indispensible!
正如我在第一段，没有什么是绝对的！设想有这样一个情节。你很恨吸烟，而你的朋友享受吸入香烟就在你坐的地方，你会怎么说？如果你停下来认真对待他，说，“吸入有害健康，所以是我的，请停止！“，这不是一个愉快的工作，为你。通常，你要提拔他的姿势时，他正在吸烟。“你看起来很酷的香烟在你的嘴！“也许是非常不合适的，因为我不想让大家知道一个例子。可不可以告诉一个垂死病人他或她的症状？它不是更好地为他们的生活希望，乐观，热情？有时真理不受欢迎也必需说谎！
It is really hard to say whether truth is always acceptable because sometimes truth makes no sense and they can cause problems, but truth is also the premise of friendship. So what is my viewpoint? Just the saying,” Nothing is absolute!”
这真是很难说是否是可以接受的真理，因为真理有时是没有意义的，他们可能会造成问题，但事实也会是友谊的前提。什么是我的观点？只是说，“没有什么是绝对的！”

大概就是这样的，求采纳

先说优点，语言还可以，没有太多让人觉得怪的表达，语法失误也不是太多，但是从文章机构和逻辑框架看来，你应该接触托福不久，这篇独立写作的题目应该是2010年的一道真题。好了，我们来说问题，你在第一段最后一句摆出自己的观点了 However, nothing is absolute, so is this!很好，但是你既然想说做人诚实要看情况而定，而为什么你的TOPIC SENTENCE却是一句Honesty is necessary。这样的逻辑很突兀的，然后你给了你同班同学的例子，来支持自己的TOPIC SENTENCE，接着下一段有说了一个情况，就是和朋友在一起，他抽烟，你反感抽烟，但是你不好意思说，你在纠结，说实话吧，伤感情。所以你选择说他抽烟很酷，从而维护了友谊却失去了诚实。最后一段你重申了自己的观点，说It is really hard to say whether truth is always acceptable because sometimes truth makes no sense and they can cause problems, but truth is also the premise of friendship. So what is my viewpoint? Just the saying,” Nothing is absolute!”。你自己看，你这个论证有逻辑不？
我给你个建议，你自己试试这样写，看逻辑能不能好点：
第一段：改写题目，摆出自己的观点：凡事无绝对，诚实也要看情况。
第二段：TS：没错，不可否认，诚实是必要的（这是你的TS），然后写2,3句来解释一下为什么诚实是必要的（这叫reasoning)然后，开始举例子来支持你的TS，你同班同学那个例子不行的，那个不能说明诚实是必要的，你自己都说了，你那个同学在你们问他题的时候他说不知道，或者给你们错答案，可能是记恨你们一开始孤立他。所以这是个报复行为，跟诚实扯不上，懂？所以你要另找例子，还是例子一定要详细，具体，这样你的字数也有保证。
第三段：用一个转折词，比如，however，然后说，诚实有时也会带了很多麻烦，所以人们有时也需要说一些“white lies"(这是你这段的TS），然后继续2,3句解释为什么人们有时需要善意的谎言，紧跟着给上你和你抽烟的朋友的例子。
第四段：总之，然后重申自己的主题，打完收工。
你觉得这样的思路如何？你可以写写看，希望能帮到你。这只是众多思路中的其中之一！还有，你的TS写完后一定要有reasoning，然后才是具体的例子，别急着扔一句TS后直接上例子，这样很2的，你想啊，你的TS相当于你的一个小结论，你得出的结论你不说出你的推理过程吗？另外，你的语言某些部分过于口语化，表达过于简单和中式，希望能重视！
你这篇文章应该在20分左右的样子（这是乐观的分数）最后希望你能考到好成绩！我只是提供一种可能，互相交流！

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