帮改托福TOEFL作文，50分悬赏，高手帮忙～

请高手帮忙改托福作文，高分悬赏，谢谢~

我们曾经相信成功总是来自勤奋。然而,如今,一些人指出另一个看法,“运气是成功不可或缺的因素之一就是成功。”在我看来,运气也起着非常重要的作用,在个人的成就,当然,根据所付出的一切。

在许多情况下,努力工作是必不可少的一个人的成就。几乎所有的人,除了那些抚养的贵族家庭或其父母是百万富翁,需要注重学习。企业家,例如,不能建立任何生意不努力工作,保持学习。政客们,也有优势,必须研究竞争反对他的竞争者。拿我们的学生为例,如果我们不努力学习,我们无法了解世界,然后我们会在考试中失败,最后,不带着足够的知识,我们也可以在这里的社会。

然而,运气的确扮演一个重要的角色在一个人的成就。有时我们所做的不够好,几乎各种知识,在这个世界上我们的想法,了解足够的关于世界和我国社会帮助我们如何生存,商业,我们只需要一个机会。在很大程度上,运气作为类似于一个人成功的催化剂。例如,尼古拉斯,我的邻居,正是这样的人。大学毕业后,他热爱自己的企业。然而,正如我们都承认他是缺钱和经验,我们大多数人都不相信他的成就未来描述。和,没有人愿意借钱给他。然后,尼古拉斯是深受运气。我的邻居,来到一大笔钱,他的阿姨去世,最后建立了自己的公司。对所有的期待,他的公司是很成功的。

还有,好运有时能拯救人。有这么多的人在这个世界上生活在恶劣的环境下,无法获得初等教育。然而,也有一些个人与罕见的天才。他们只需要一个机会,来拯救他们的环境,不适合他们。拿我的同学凯茜为例。她是在一个贫穷的西部地区,它是如此落后,每个家庭成员可以自己洗澡每月一次。如果她没有得到了来自一个慈善家,她的捐赠将重复那种持续生活时,她的父母。她进入大学,我们最后发现她是一个很有前途的人以巨大的潜力。她擅长几乎所有的课程,而受到了所有的人。那是多么幸运改变一个人。

总之,运气是从事个体的成就。它非常肤浅说运气与成功。
第一段：
1. We used to believe that success (is always come) from hard working.
改成：comes，come是实义动词，除非是现在时否则前面不可用be动词
2. some people have （pointed out another opinion） about success
改成：point out a different view，后面有in my opinion，这里最好不要再用another opinion，语法上无错，只是建议
3. luck (also) plays an important role in an individual's achievement
改成：also改成indeed，also“也”，indeed是“确实”的意思，如果前面说luck起了某个作用，这句用also是对的，但前面说有一种观点说luck很重要，这里作者是有些同意“确实”更恰当
4. based on (hard-work)
改成：his hardwork，his指代前面主句中的“an individual”，否则“靠努力工作”谁的不明确

第二段：
1. who (are bring) up in an noble family
改成：were brought，第一用被动语态，第二用过去时，表示“被抚养”
2. pay great attention (in studying)
改成：to study，pay attention to sth., 介词是to不是in，另外study本身可作名词表示“学校”
3. (build) any business)
改成：没有这样表示，建立生意-build up，发展生意-develop
4. Politicians, as well, must (study) to
改成：learn，study表示学习具体一门学科，学习知识用learn较多，尤其在后面跟动词不定式时，learn to do 的表示方式较好
5. compete against (his) (contenders)
改成：their rivals，因为指代的是politicians（政治家、政客）是复数，所以用their，另外contender一般指（运动比赛中）对手，非比赛的对手一般用competitor或rival，前面已经用了compete，所以这里用rival较好
6. (Take) (we) students for example
改成：us，take sb. for example的结构中，sb.是宾语，应该用宾格，“我们”的宾格是us；另外take应改成taking，因为这不是一个独立句子，是作后面句子的某个成分，所以用动词不定式或分词短语，这里用现在分词形式
7. , （and finally, not armed with enough knowledge, we may also fail in this society. ）
改成：前面的逗号改成句号，否则本句过长，主谓不明。后面重起一个句子更清晰，Finally, we will not armed with enough knowledges nor make achievement in this society.

看图片，这是WORD自动订正的效果。我说话不好听啊，担待着点。
红的是拼写，用词不准确之类的错误。绿的是句子之间连接的问题（是否应该空格，大写什么的）除了你引用的FORREST GUMP里面的那句话，那个是对的。
1、拼写错误。
2、句子结束之后直接加符号，空一格起下一个句子。你正好反了。
3、不要以为使用高级词汇会很好，相反用错了会扣分。如technicolor
4、新的句子开头大写，那些个for example，都已经是新起的句子了。
5、你写的太过于随性，口语化。
6、与SAT作文不同，没什么必要引用别人说的话，或者是小说剧情，浅一些的例子足够。
7、段与段之间分隔要明确。一般为五段，也可以四段。
以上是基础的错法，框架上面。
呃，很难说啊也很难改，因为总体上面的框架就不对，一般来讲呢，TOEFL作文结构是这样的。
第一段开头，引领全文。第一句话简单介绍一下背景，要与论题有关系。第二句话换一种方式重述一下问题。第三句话写出你的观点，最好在末尾表明你在下面几段中要从哪几个方面来论证你的观点。你举例子了，但是只是在瓶子的盖子那里，要把手伸到瓶子里，然后摸到底儿才行！
第二段到第四段是文章的主体，每一段一个论点，最好是能够层层铺垫。每段一般五句话到七句话，要用高级句子。把例子说明白，不要浅显的像是校长开大会说的话一样= =
最后一段总结，把上面主体的内容再换一句话说出来，之后在展望一下未来就好了，一般在三句话到五句话之间。
文章内容上的改动啊，我觉得可能要重新写一下。因为看上去就像乱麻在一起缠着，乱糟糟的。
你的论点是：你喜欢丰富多彩的生活，单一的生活很无聊；生活本身就具有一种不稳定性，所以（？）人们要过快乐的生活？直接的逻辑关系没有建立起来；第三个例子，呃，如果一段只有一句话，你可以把它和上面一段并起来，字数太少的话，没必要独立成段。而且没说明白。
总体上看上去就是那种想写论点，又找不到论点只能凑字的感觉，如果说写这样的题的话，你从正的方面说不全，就马上打到反的方面去，比如说你支持多变的生活，那你就说不多变的生活不好。
打个比方，你可以有这样的论点：1、有变故的生活好啊，因为这样很刺激，刺激的生活能够锻炼人的适应能力从而更加适合生存在这个充满竞争的世界里。2、变故的生活让人觉得开心，你喜欢变故的生活，比如说你可以接触到不同的东西，blablabla……3、固定的生活太无聊了，没有新意，没有冒险，整天死气沉沉，容易让人堕落颓废。
举个例子而已，我建议你多看看TOEFL ESSAY的例文，能对思想还有写作模式有很大的帮助。^_^

问题：Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? The best way to improve the education quality in a country is to increase teachers' salary.

作文：
Recently, people are paying more and more attention to the quality of education than ever before. (前后不连贯而且没有开篇点明主旨，建议改为：There has been a heat debate about how to improve the education quality in a country and different people have different perspectives.) Some educators have pointed out that the best way to improve the quality of a country's education is to increase its teachers' salary. In my opinion, (为了与后面的but呼应，应该先让步，后转折，更自然：I admit that) increasing their salary may be (说话留点余地，等下好反驳：more or less) an effective way to improve a country's condition of education, but I do not think that this can be （一般陈述用：is） the best choice for all of us. （这一句虽然我是明白你的意思，但是不够直接，与下文照应也不工整，建议改为：but it should not be the best solution to this problem since it fall to deficiency due to several negative effects.）

I have to say (语气更加直白：confess/admit) that increasing teachers' incomes does have several advantages (语义更加明确：for propelling advancement of education quality in a country as a whole) . First, it could (不放过任何一个细节词语，注意积累这些常用词：contributes to/is beneficial to/is propitious to/conduces to) make teachers more enthusiastic about teaching. Admittedly (感情更真挚：Unfortunately), in the modern world, most teachers do not consider their jobs as something attractive. They may have more hobbies out of teachers' office. And, with little salary, they may not devote themselves in teaching, and accordingly, their quality of education will not satisfy us. So, giving teachers higher pay can be a catalyst in our effort of (感觉很别扭，建议改为to the improvement of quality in education) improving the quality of education.

Another thing that improving the salary of teachers can benefit us is that, because earning a higher pay can not only improve a person's living condition, but also increase his or her social status, it will attract more talents to engage in teaching. With great intelligence, we have reason to believe that they will make our education condition better.
(这一段说的很不地道，建议改为：Another benefit of improving the salary of teachers is that a higher pay to teachers can not only serve to make a better living condition in the economic society, but also contribute to higher social statuses to them and hence they can get more respect from others. As teachers are getting more and more respected, it is undoubtedly that there will be increasing number of talent and distinguished teachers willing to devote themselves to teaching. )

However, we cannot say that increasing teachers' salary is the best way to improve the education quality of this country, for it does have some drawbacks. One is that increasing teachers' salary means students need to pay much more money for good education than ever before (, which sets up a more insurmountable barrier to the accessibility of education of the poor students). For example, nowadays, some of the areas in China is(are) still very poor and underdeveloped, (and) most of children there cannot even pay for primary education (the primary tuition)and have to drop out from schools. Once the incomes(income) of teachers is increased, there may(must) be more and more children who will (去掉) lose the chance of education. That's one thing beyond our expectation. (不靠谱) And as I have mentioned above,(it has been mentioned above) increasing teachers' salaries may not be suitable for every country in this world.(in the global level) In some (Some) underdeveloped countries,(for instance,) increasing teachers' incomes will load the governments and its people with more pressure of money( add more economic pressure on both the governments and its people), and this shortcoming can outweigh any other advantages in such a country.

I believe that there is something more helpful than increasing teachers' salary to a country's condition of education, say, improving the laws of education may push teachers to be more professional and effective than before. All in all, I do not agree with the statement that increasing teachers' salaries is the best way for the improvement of a country's education quality.
(建议改为：
According to the discussion above, I admit that the perspective of increasing the salary of teachers in order to improve the education quality in a country is appealing in some ways, such as improving their living standard and making them more respectable, which ultimately conduce to a better teaching performance. However, we should recognize that there are also drawbacks of this policy including playing a heavier economic burden on both governments and families of children who have to pay higher tuition to school. Overall, increasing the teacher’s salary should not be the perfect way to improve the education quality. )
注：
1。 下画线的地方是我认为需要完善的，括号内是我的建议。
2。 你原文评分应该在20-22。因为虽然没有重大错误，但是句子有不少问题：句型过于简单，用词有些不当，句子有些不通顺。当然，在词汇方面，应该要求不大。还有就是论证没有说服力。比如“大部分老师都并不喜欢教学”这个前提我认为就有点站不住脚。
3。 努力方向：
a.把作文模板好好完善练习。
b.多积累常用词组词汇以及常用句型，注意句型变化。
c.因为你原文有些地方的论证显得枯竭，所以建议练习论证展开能力。
d.最快速的提高方法是看看别人怎样写的。

我今天刚写了这篇文章。 建议你play devil's advocate，效果不错。

开头用词就很普通，句式也不太好。

类似“XX人说~~~~”最好不要用，太假了。

我比较欣赏开头爽快点的，不用说别人怎样，但我怎样~~~~。

文章写improving salary好的太长了，与你的观点不符。人家会认为你走题。
建议把drawbacks提前写，要多，至少两个理由！！！！！最后再写：
However，improving salary do bring us benefits~~~~~~~~

虽然楼主字数多，但数量不等于质量！这篇作文还有大幅修改，现在看不一定能到25。

刚从战场下来，提一点自己小心得，望采纳！！！

前面赞同的部分 写的太多了

你可以到新东方批改网上提交一下啊，那里有外教帮你批改

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云梦县15572275047： 帮忙改一篇TOEFL作文I think people go to university because they want to find a good job.A good job will affect one person's live.So it is very important for ... - ？
直肿黄芩：[答案] affect(derogatory sense)—>influencepeople are easier to find a job——>it is easier for people to find a job,he or she was graduated,＂was＂ should be expungedare->is they->he etca university student i...

云梦县15572275047： 请高手帮忙改一下托福作文,谢谢. - ？
直肿黄芩： 写得很不错,应该能打24分以上.句式变换很好,只是有些词语用得不是很准确,但是不难看出,你的实力很不错,观点也很到位,论证也很好.但是,有些话有点多余.对于单词,你似乎在凑那些大词,有时候,这些词用多了,就有点多余,而且不恰当.相信也不用我改,你自己也能发现,我只是给一下意见.然后,结尾有点仓促,比如说Cooking nowadays was much better than yesteryears. 有点和你前面的风格不搭调,有点太格式化了.就说这么多吧,托福作文还得多背,多模仿,多写.加油吧.

云梦县15572275047： 帮忙改托福作文 第一次写,希望大家别笑我Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?It is better to make friends with intelligent people than with ... - ？
直肿黄芩：[答案] 语法问题还真不少,单复数,语态时态等.改了很多.句意和基本语序就不改了.自己再check下吧.Do you agree with the saying that it's better to make friends with intelligent people than with people who have a goo...

云梦县15572275047： 帮忙改改托福作文~~~~谢谢啦!谢谢啦~~~~真心请你们帮我改改作文··7月份要考试了,作文还没什么头绪.呜呜···我全部的分就这点了,不好意思哇... - ？
直肿黄芩：[答案] obviously ,in most cases intelligent friends we have could be the good teachers of us in many aspects.They can influence us ... In a word,it is rather superficial to simply say that making friends with intelligent people is better. 你好,写的文章不错,没有大...

云梦县15572275047： 托福独立作文修改,马上就要考试了,麻烦大家帮忙修改一下吧~ - ？
直肿黄芩： 我帮你修改吧,托福写作要求不高的,我每次写作都将近满分 The social condition is under no circumstance proved to be much comfortable in the past than it is today.改为:Our circumstance is no better than the past.(你的太罗嗦啦,而且...

云梦县15572275047： 请高手帮忙改托福作文,高分悬赏,谢谢 - ？
直肿黄芩： 我们曾经相信成功总是来自勤奋.然而,如今,一些人指出另一个看法,“运气是成功不可或缺的因素之一就是成功.”在我看来,运气也起着非常重要的作用,在个人的成就,当然,根据所付出的一切. 在许多情况下,努力工作是必不可少的...

云梦县15572275047： 请帮忙批改下我的托福独立作文,7月23号就要考试了!刚开始准备作文,写的第一篇和第二篇作文.麻烦帮忙修改下,然后我这两篇作文请问可以拿多少分?... - ？
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云梦县15572275047： 帮忙改托福作文 第一次写,希望大家别笑我 - ？
直肿黄芩： 呵呵,语法问题还真不少,单复数,语态时态等.改了很多.句意和基本语序就不改了.自己再check下吧.Do you agree with the saying that it's better to make friends with intelligent people than with people who have a good sense of humor....

云梦县15572275047： 请各位亲帮我修改下托福作文,拜托,小女跪拜 - ？
直肿黄芩： When faced with the problem, asking people who are more sophisticated than us to help us settle trouble would be more effective 缺主语意见:1,没有高级词汇,句式不够漂亮.多来点独立主语和从句会更好.2,段落意思不明确.When faced ...

云梦县15572275047： 请各位帮忙修改托福作文 - ？
直肿黄芩： 写得不错啊,就是有那么一点点罗嗦,还有第三段的on the other hand用的不太对吧,最后一句另成一段再加几句就完美了.