求批雅思G类小作文
总体结构安排合理,具体的我就一句一句的细批了。"Let’s take a hard critical look at your letter."
原文:
I am writing to complain about the plan which intents to expand the local airport and increase the number of flights.
1.“complain” 通常是针对已发生事件,比如现有的噪音问题。而这里机场扩建还只是计划,尚未产生任何损害。因此建议改为“protest”
2.“intent to”之前通常是人或是一个有思想有主观意志的组织,而“the plan”是一个固定的没有意志的东西。“the plan... intents to... ”这种搭配似乎并不常见,建议换一种表达方式。
改写:
I am writing to protest against the proposed airport expansion plan.
原文:
I have been living in West River for several years. My house is located within 20 minutes' drive from the airport.
3.抗议信中写出自己的切身关切的原因很重要。但是一般城市机场高速开车20分钟的路程应该是很远了,如果不是direct under the flight path 应该没什么影响。也可以把这些具体东西放到第二段以使第一段更加简洁,第二段更加具体。
原文:
Let’s take a hard critical look at the current environment and the plan, to identify precisely what negative impact to the residential area will be brought if the plan is carried out.
4.不知这是否是雅思应考常用的格式,但是如果现实中这样写抗议信的话会感觉比较八股,有不够简洁之嫌。看架势似乎后边要写个针对 “the plan” 逐条分析的报告,但下文中实际上并未引述和具体讨论“the plan”中的任何具体内容。该句可以去掉也可以简化句式。
5.既然是你是反对该计划的,当然实际上你可能会用比较苟刻的眼光来审视这一计划,但是把“Let’s take a hard critical look”这样写出来就不太好了。这样写出来似乎暗示你是带着反对该计划的某种成见在故意吹毛求疵。避免倾向性的措辞至少要把“hard”去掉。
6.句子结构太复杂了。虽然语法是正确的,显示驾驭复杂句式的功底很强,但是语言不够优美,地道。建议把句式调整一下。
改写:
Having read the plan, I am horrified by the detrimental impacts it would have on our local community and the environment if carried out.
原文:
The residents have already been seriously affected by the noise of the airplanes.
7.“The residents” 地域没有很好界定。建议改成“Local residents”或者更好的是 “The local community”。个人写信用“community” 一词的好处是一个活得整体大于“residents”之和,更加煽情。
8.时态选择不恰当。无穷无尽的噪声影响并没有 “完成”。
改写:
The local community are already suffering from the aviation noise.
原文:
Children distracted by the noise could not concentrate on their homework. Additionally, old people cannot get good rest when there are night flights. I dare not to imagine how serious it will be if there were more disturbing flights. Moreover, expanding the airport will inevitably occupy more plot of land.
9.这里又有另一点我不清楚应试和实际写作是否思考角度相同。你提出了多个理由,噪声问题和占用土地是截然不同的问题。如果你是为一个环保组织捉刀写这封信那么你一定要写出几个方面的问题以显示你对各个方面进行了综合评估。但是如果以一个附近普通居民的身份写的话,专注于一个非常切身问题的反对信往往更有力。公共土地占用问题不是与附近居民利益直接相关的问题,写出来反而会降低反对信的力度。但是我不清楚是否写出多个反对理由是不是更对雅思考试的口味。
10.要想说理清楚,最好把具体的计划说出来。机场扩建有多种可能:
Runway extension, additional runway, terminal upgrade, new terminal building, new parking lots, extend operating hours, lift existing night curfew, airport access road upgrade
比如这里可以假设the plan 的核心内容是construct second runway。白天噪音影响可以说得更细致一点。最简单的是写点关心自己家庭成员的健康。比如:
I have an 8-year-old son suffer from ADHD (Attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder).或者是My wife suffers from mild insomnia.
也可以是超越自己家庭替社区说话。比如:
I assueme the government must aware there are 2 kinder gardens, 1 primary schools and a retirement village are under the proposed flight path. Dose the government also aware West River has the highest incidents of ADHD in the nation and 35 percent of the residents in the retirement village suffer from certain degree of insomnia? Unless the issue of aircraft noise are properly addressed, proposed second runway will only exacerbate these suffering. It would be a disgrace if the government choose to put commercial interests ahead of the well-being of our elderly, our children and our community.
原文:
I strongly protest this inconsiderable decision of the government. I hope the government can wisely discard this short-sighted development plan.
11.从第一句看你认为政府已经作出了决定,从第二句看你希望政府改变计划,估计还没最后决定。那政府到底是已经决定了还是没决定呢? 虽然严格说不能算逻辑矛盾,但是这不是很好的表达。既然你写这封信就是要求政府作出政策上的响应。这一段是要明确告诉政府你想要的是什么,不必重复抗议。
改写:
I hope the government will re-evaluate the airport expansion plan, explore alternative plans, and this inconsiderable development plan be discarded.
原文:
I would appreciate it if you can forward this letter to the department concerned.
12.这句话很可能没有正面效果。看这句好像你假设读信的人不是决策人物,并不是这封信应该address的正确人物。对你这封信的所需采取的全部实际行动就是踢皮球给“the department concerned”。通常如果是政府征询公众意见,那么你按照要求的方式投就可以了,这句没必要。如果是没有征询的情况下主动写的,你要直接写给州长,部长,或你选区的议员之类,抬头就是写给他们的,让他们替你说话或决策而不仅是让他们转的。至于实际上他们是否将信转给具体项目规划人员你就不必说了。
有很多东西其实比较主观,我写的也未必对,想到的就写了,仅供你参考吧。
end you to place a notice board with caution on that area in order to prevent customers from slipping again. Additionally, it is also important to keep the ground dry. Last but not least
我认为axinaim9提的5点指正都非常准确。要想在高水准基础上进一步提高的话,我想主要应该在语言表达方式上能更上一层楼。原文:I am writing to request your permission to start work one week later.
第一句的意思是one week later from now or from next Monday?当然当我读到第二句我猜到你实际要表达的意思是后者。但是这是正是第一句表达的不清晰,不完美之处。
改写:I am writing to request your permission to postpone my work starting date for one week.
原文:According to our contract signed last month, I am supposed to begin to work on next Monday
你的雇佣合同里使用的一定是公历日期。你不知道老板读信的日期。在实际工作中,西方一般要使用公历日期以避免产生任何疑惑。
改写:According to our contract dated 3 July 2010, I shall commence working on 9 August 2010, or next Monday.
原文:But I am afraid I could not start work on that day.
楼上已经指出的要用"start working", 另一种改法是干脆把“work”去掉。"could not start" 和 "unable to start"可以换用,两者相比前者可以是主观原因也可以是客观原因,后者更强调客观。如果请假非常坚决,一定不能上班了最好用后者,如果还有商量的余地,最好用前者。与上面使用公历日期相对应的,第三句句尾的“day"要改成"date"。
改写:But I am afraid I am unable to start on that date.
原文:Unfortunately, an accident happened to my litter brother yesterday morning. When I rushed to the hospital I found he was badly injured. What's worse, the troublemaker of the accident has run away.
就这封信的内容来说,我感觉“Unfortunately”不必要,“When I rushed to the hospital”不必要,而其他的相关信息提供还不够多。读完第一句我不知道accident是什么accident,读到后面的troublemaker run away我猜想你实际要表达的是交通事故offender hit-and-run。好的英文要用精炼的语言介绍更多的细节。
改写:Yesterday morning, my little brother was knocked off his pushbike in a hit-and-run road accident. He has got a fractured arm and a bruised leg. He is hospitalised and in stable condition.
原文:I need to take care of my brother for a few days and try my best to help the police find a witness of the accident.
你的老板的回信很可能会是这样的,“到底多严重?一个星期够了吗?别担心工作,你先去忙家事吧,一个月后要是确实忙完了再来上班吧。”如果你确实是只想请一个星期的假,这一段最好写上为什么你只请一个星期的假。
“help"the police 不是很地道。你不是帮助警察而是协助警察工作。建议改成"assist"。“witnesses” 建议用复数。 “find” 改 “finding”.
改写:I need to take care of my brother for a few days and try my best to assist police in finding witnesses. I believe by 16 August 2010, I would have settled these urgent domestic matters.
原文:As a consequence, I might not be able to start work on time.
这句话应该删掉。句子没错,但是从请假信的角度这句可能是最大的败笔,让老板搞不清楚你到底是能不能来工作。按澳洲劳工法,雇员每年十天的带薪carer’s leave 或每次两天的带薪compassionate leave 都是正当权益。真的出了这种事,雇主没有不准假的理由,何况你还不要求拿工资。
原文:I am deeply sorry for that.
"that"是什么?这句是段落的第一句话,尽量避免使用"that"。特别是上一段最后一句删掉后,建议在这里把后边表达清晰。
另外,建议把前句中的 “start work on time” 改为“start my job as scheduled”避免产生上班迟到的歧义。
改写:I am truly sorry for unable to start my job as scheduled.
原文:I would appreciate it very much if you could give me one more week's time before starting work.
“One more week” 是什么意思?现在离合同开始有一周,还想再推迟一周?请一周假不够还希望两周?
改写:I would appreciate it very much if you could allow me postpone the job start for one week.
原文:Thanks very much for your understanding and kindness help. I am looking forward to your reply.
“Thanks very much”不是地道的用法。建议改成“thank you very much”
“kindness help”建议去掉 “help”。
改写:Thank you very much for your understanding and kindness. I am looking forward to your reply.
主观臆断,请见谅。
第一段;
start work-start working;
第二段:
find a witness-find witnesses
start work-start my work/start working
最后一个accident-tragedy
第三段:
kindness help-kindness/kind help
---------------------------------------
回复楼主问题:
如果work做名词应该加冠词;
目击者的数目不定,建议使用复数;
评分未必有参考价值--我认为可以达到6分
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