演讲一段笑话【英汉的】需要演讲词开头和结尾！！英语 ！ 需带汉语翻译！

求一篇初三及以下水平的两分钟英语课前演讲！急！要关于一个笑话的，带上中文翻译！~

采纳我的问题

　1、一个女生前一天晚上得到男朋友的订婚戒指，但竟没有一个同学注意到，令她忿忿不平。到下午大家坐着谈天的时候，她突然站起来大声说：“哎呀，这里真热呀，我看我还是把戒指脱下来吧。”　　　　2、女主人把女佣叫到面前问她：“你是否怀孕了？”　　　　“是啊！”女佣回道。　　　　“亏你还说得出口，你还没有结婚，难道不觉得害羞吗？”女主人再次训。　　　　“我为什么要害羞，女主人你自己不也怀孕了吗？”　　　　“可是我怀的是我丈夫的！”女主人生气地反驳。　　　　“我也是啊！”女佣高兴地附和。　　　　3、一个人骑摩托车喜欢反穿衣服，就是把口子在后面扣上，可以挡风。一天他酒后驾驶， 翻了，一头栽在路旁。警察赶到：　　　　警察甲：好严重的车祸。　　　　警察乙：是啊，脑袋都撞到后面去了。　　　　警察甲：嗯，还有呼吸，我们帮他把头转回来吧。　　　　警察乙：好.....一、二使劲，转回来了。　　　　警察甲：嗯，没有呼吸了.......　　　　4、在一条七拐八拐的乡村公路上，因为时常发生车祸，所以常常有一些鬼故事发生，有一天晚上，有一个出租车司机看见路边有一个长发披肩，身着白衣的女人向他招手，因为这个司机没有见过鬼，所以大胆的停下来让她上车了，这一路上,司机虽然不信有鬼，心里也毛毛的，所以时常从后视镜看后面的女人，开着开着，突然司机发现那个女人不见了！司机吓了一大跳，赶紧踩了一个刹车！只见那个女人满脸是血，表情狰狞。司机吓的牙直打颤。突然那女人开口了：“你会不会开车啊！我低头系个鞋带你突然一刹车我把鼻子都撞破了……”　　　　5、一个病人去看病，医生检查了他，皱着眉头说：“您病得太严重了，恐怕不会活多久了。” 病人：“求您告诉我我还能活多久？” 医生：“十……” 病人着急地问：“十什么？十年？？十个月？？？十天？？？？？” 医生：“十，九，八，七，六，五……”　　　　6、老师：“你能说一些18世纪科学家共同特点吗？”　　　　学生：“能，他们都死了。”　　　　7、犀粪蜣和蚊子谈恋爱，蜣问蚊子是做什么工作的，蚊子说：“护士，打针的。”蜣一拍大腿：“缘分呐，我是中药局搓药丸的…”　　　　8、一非洲人住在某一宾馆。夜半，起火，不明原因。非洲人见状顾不了那么许多，光着身子就跑出去了。消防员见状惊呼：“我的妈呀！都烧的糊了吧区的了还能跑那么快！”　　　　9、一个人想出国考察，但必须得到老总批准。于是他向老总请示，老总给了他一张字条，上面写着：“Go ahead”。 那人想：“Go ahead=前进，老总是批准了。”于是他开始打点行李。 一个同事见到了他问：“你在做什啊？？”他说：“我准备出国考察，老总批准了，给我写了‘Go ahead’。” 同事一见条就乐了：“咱们老总根本就没批准！！咱老总的英语水平你还不知道，他这是在说去个头！”　　　　10、牧师对买了他马和马车的农夫说：“这匹马只能听懂教会的语言，叫"感谢上帝"它就跑;叫"赞美上帝"它才停下。”农夫将信将疑，他试着喊了一声感谢上帝，那匹马立刻飞奔起来，越跑越快。一只跑到悬崖边上惊恐的农夫才想起让它停下来的口令“赞美上帝”。果然，马停下来了。死里逃生的农夫长出一口气：“感谢上帝………”

我打了很久，请采纳

1 the night before, a girl get boyfriend engagement ring, but no one noticed the classmate, make her antics. You sit and chat in the afternoon, she suddenly stood up and shouted: \"oh, it's really hot in here, I think I'd better take off your ring.\" 2, the mistress called the maid to ask her: \"are you pregnant?\" \"Yes!\" The maid answered. Export \"kui you still say, you are not married, don't you feel shy?\" The hostess training again. \"Why should I be shy, you don't the hostess also pregnant?\" \"But I conceive is my husband!\" The hostess retorted angrily. \"Me too!\" The maid happy to echo. 3, a man riding a motorcycle like the dress, is to cut on the back, can the wind. Drunk driving one day, he turned over, a planted on the road. Police: police a: a good serious car accident. Policeman b: yes, his head hit the back. Po1: well, still breathing, let's help him turn his head back. Po2: good... One, two, turn back. Policeman a: well, not breathing... 4, turn in a curvy country road, because often in a car accident, so often have some ghost story, one night, there's a taxi driver saw the side of the road have a long hair shawls, dressed in a white woman waved to him, because the driver didn't see a ghost, so bold stopped to let her get on the bus, along the way, the driver doesn't believe in ghosts, the in the mind also maomao, so often the woman behind the rearview mirror to see, open open, the driver found the woman suddenly disappeared! The driver startled, hurriedly stepped on a brake! I saw the woman face is blood, grim expression. The driver frighten of teeth chatter. Suddenly the woman spoke: \"would you drive! I bow to fasten shoelaces are you smashed through a sudden brake my nose...\" 5, a patient to see a doctor, the doctor examined him, frowning said: \"you too serious ill, I'm afraid I won't live much longer.\" Patient: \"please tell me how long will I live?\" Doctor: \"ten...\" Patient anxiously asked: \"what? Ten years?? Ten months??? Ten days?????\" Doctor: \"ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five...\" 6, teacher: \"can you say some 18 th-century scientists common characteristics?\" Student: \"yes, they are all dead.\" 7, rhino poop Qiang and mosquito fall in love, Qiang asked a mosquito is to do what work, the mosquito said: \"nurse, give or take an injection.\" Qiang a clap a thigh: \"the fate, I am a traditional Chinese medicine bureau rub pills...\" 8, the africans live in a hotel. In the midnight, a fire, unknown reason. Before rushing so many africans, naked and ran out. Firefighters said exclaimed: \"my mama ah! All paste the burned area can run so fast!\" 9, a person wants to go abroad, but it must be approved by boss. So he to the manager for instructions, the boss gave him a note, it read: \"Go ahead\". The man thought, \"Go ahead = progress, boss is approved.\" So he started to packing. A colleague to see he asked: \"what are you doing?\" He said: \"I'm ready to Go abroad investigation, boss approved, wrote me 'Go ahead'.\" Colleague of joy at the sight of article: \"let's boss haven't approved!!!!! Our boss English don't you know, he is said to head!\" 10, priests to buy his horse and carriage of the farmer said, \"this horse can only understand the language of the church, call\" thank god \"it ran; called\" praise god \"it didn't stop.\" Farmer track, he tried to thank god gave a cry, the horse gallop, immediately ran faster and faster. A run to the edge of the cliff frightened farmer remembered that let it stop password \"praise god\". Sure enough, the horse stopped. Close the farmer grows a sigh: \"thank god.........\"
I played for a long time, please

开头：Good morning everybody!It's my honor to speak here,and I am very glad to share my topic with you. Then today I'd like to talk something about......（大家早上好！能在这里做此次演讲我十分荣幸，也很高兴能跟大家一起分享我的主题，今天我想演讲的是......）
结尾：OK,thank you for listening,that's all.（好了，谢谢各位的聆听，我的演讲结束了。）我参加过很多英语比赛，而这个是比较常用的，也能体现出你的修养，可以试试看哦～Come on!

1. Two boys are talking about the sun and the moon. "Which one of them is more useful?" asked one of them.

两个男孩在谈论太阳和月亮。“它们中哪个更有用？”其中一个问道。

"Of course the moon is. The moon is in the sky when it's dark, but the sun is in the sky in the daytime when nobody needs it."

“当然是月亮。月亮在天黑时挂在天空，但太阳是在白天谁也不需要它时挂在天空。”

2. A lady lost her handbag in the bustle of Christmas shopping. It was found by an honest boy and returned to her.

一位女士圣诞节购物时丢了钱包。一个诚实的小男孩捡到了钱包，还给了她。

Looking in her purse, she commented, "Hmmm...that's funny. When I lost my purse there was a $20 bill in it. Now there are twenty $1 bills."

她看了看钱包，说：“嗯……真有趣。我丢钱包时，里面有一张20元的钞票。现在却有20张一元的钞票。”

The boy quickly replied, "That's right, lady. The last time I found a lady's purse, she didn't have any change for a reward."

那个男孩马上回答说：“没错，太太。上次我捡到一位女士的钱包，她没有零钱酬谢。”

Hello everyone!I will tell you an interesting joke.Please listen to me.大家好，我将告诉你们一个有趣的笑话，请听我说。
This is my joke.Do you want to listen to another joke?I am very glad to tell you a new joke.这是我的笑话，你们还想再听一个笑话吗？我非常乐意给你们讲一个新笑话。

一个口音很重的县长到村里作报告：「兔子们，虾米们，猪尾巴！不要酱瓜，咸菜太贵啦！！」
(翻译：同志们，乡民们，注意吧！不要讲话，现在开会啦！！)

县长讲完以后，主持人说：「咸菜请香肠酱瓜！」
（翻译：现在请乡长讲话！）

乡长说：「兔子们，今天的饭狗吃了，大家都是大王八！」
（翻译：同志们，今天的饭够吃了，大家都是大碗吧！）

不要酱瓜，我捡个狗屎给你们舔舔．．．
（翻译：不要讲话，我讲个故事给你们听听．．）

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彝良县17648325765： 演讲一段笑话【英汉的】需要演讲词开头和结尾!!英语 ! 需带汉语翻译! - ？
贸刘培达： Hello everyone!I will tell you an interesting joke.Please listen to me.大家好,我将告诉你们一个有趣的笑话,请听我说. This is my joke.Do you want to listen to another joke?I am very glad to tell you a new joke.这是我的笑话,你们还想再听一个笑话吗?我非常乐意给你们讲一个新笑话.

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彝良县17648325765： 来个用英文写的小笑话,演讲用的,短一点,带翻译？
贸刘培达： 顾客:“你们卖的酒怎么没有酒味啊?” 服务员接过一闻:“啊,真对不起,忘记给您掺酒了.” Customer: ＂You do not sell alcohol how down-ah?＂ Attendants took one hear: ＂ah, sorry, forgot you mixed wine.＂

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彝良县17648325765： 英语三分钟小演讲段子搞笑 - ？
贸刘培达： A class has come to a new life. One day, the teacher asked him: how old are you? Student: Excuse me, where is the teacher asking me? Teacher: your age. Student: Oh, excuse me, do you want to know my age or the age of this year? Teacher: ...

彝良县17648325765： 英语演讲幽默开场白,急! - ？
贸刘培达： 女士们,先生们,我叫***,我身高***毫米,性别不明,我好像没有优点,我坐过三年牢......言归正传,我想说啥呢?忘了......对,我演讲的题目是......

彝良县17648325765： 英语演讲稿 1分钟以内的,笑话型的,急求.谢啦 - ？
贸刘培达： What is success There are somethings success is not.It's not fame.It's not money or power.Success is waking up in the morning so excited about what you have to do that you literally fly out the door.It's getting to work with people you love.Success is ...

彝良县17648325765： 搞笑的三分钟英语演讲？
贸刘培达：English SpeechGood afternoon everybody! Its my honor to speak here and i am very glad to share my topic with all of you. today id like to talk about “my dream”. I do not just have one dream, in fact, I have three. they are: a healthy life, a happy ...

彝良县17648325765： 英语演讲短文,关于笑话的,急 - ？
贸刘培达： Hello everyone,today I'm very glad to be here to address a speech about joking. After a long relaxing National Day holiday, we are back to school now.We are busy studying again.As we all feel, we are having a busy life -- busy working,busy studying,...