英语笑话 附中文
Like Father ,Like Son (有其父必有其子)
One day ,Mr.Read found a litter boy in his apple tree.He got very
angry and shouted ,"Hey,get down at once ,or I'll have a word with your father !"
But the boy ,without stopping eating the apple ,raised his head towards the branches above and said ."Dad ,get down .A guy under the tree wants to have a word with you!"
有其父必有其子
一天，瑞德先生看见一个小男孩在他家苹果树上，他很生气就对那个男孩大喊：“，嘿！你给我立马滚下来，否则我就告诉你爸爸去！”
但是，男孩还不停的吃着苹果，抬头朝这上面树枝上的父亲说道：“爸爸，你下来，树下有个家伙想和你谈一谈！”
1.猴子捞月
One day, a little monkey is playing by the well.
一天，有只小猴子在井边玩儿。
He looks in the well and shouts:
它往井里一瞧，高喊道：
"Oh! My god! The moon has fallen into the well!"
“噢！我的天！月亮掉到井里头啦！”
An older monkey runs over, takes a look, and says:
一只大猴子跑来一看，说，
"My goodness! The moon is really in the water!"
“糟啦！月亮掉在井里头啦！”
An oldest monkey comes over.
老猴子也跑过来。
He is very surprised as well and cries out:
他也非常惊奇，喊道：
"The moon is in the well."
“糟了，月亮掉在井里头了！”
A group of monkeys run over to the well.
一群猴子跑到井边来，
They look at the moon in the well and shout:
他们看到井里的月亮，喊道：
"The moon did fall into the well! Come on! Let's get it out!"
“月亮掉在井里头啦！快来！让我们把它捞起来！”
Then, the oldest monkey hangs on the tree up side down, with his feet on the branch,
然后，老猴子倒挂在大树上，
and he pulls the next monkey's feet with his hands.
拉住大猴子的脚。
All the other monkeys follow his suit,
其他的猴子一个个跟着，
and they join each other one by one down to the moon in the well.
它们一只连着一只直到井里。
Just before they reach the moon, the oldest monkey raises his head and happens to see the moon in the sky.
正好他们摸到月亮的时候，老猴子抬头发现月亮挂在天上呢。
He yells excitedly: "Don't be so foolish! The moon is still in the sky!"
它兴奋地大叫：“别蠢了！月亮还好好地挂在天上呢！”
2.生金蛋的鹅The goose with the golden eggs
One morning a countryman went to his goose's nest, and saw a yellow and glittering egg there.
He took the egg home. To his delight, he found that it was an egg of pure gold.
Every morning the same thing occurred, and he soon became rich by selling his eggs.
The countryman became more and more greedy. He wanted to get all the gold at once, so he killed the goose, when he looked inside, he found nothing in its body.
一天早晨，一位农夫发现自家的鹅窝中有一只金灿灿的蛋。
他将蛋带回家，惊喜地发现这是一个金蛋。
此后，农夫每天都能得到一个金蛋。从此，他靠卖他的金蛋变得富有起来。
农夫变得越来越贪婪，他想一下子得到鹅肚子中所有的金蛋。于是他杀死了鹅，但是，鹅肚子中什么也没有。
寓意: 如果不懂得知足，贪得无厌，我们就会失去已经拥有的东西。
3.老狮子与狐狸 The lion and the fox
The lion once said that he was sick on his death bed.
So he asked all the animals to come and listen to his last wishes.
The goat came to the lion’s cave. He stood there and listened for a long time.
Then a sheep went in. Before she came out, a rabbit entered to hear the last wishes of the king of beasts.
But soon the lion seemed to recover, and went to the mouth of his cave.
He saw a fox waiting outside. "Why don’t you come in?" asked the lion to the fox.
"I beg Your Majesty’s pardon," said the fox, "I have seen many animals enter your cave, but none of them come out.
Till they come out again, I prefer to wait outside."
一头年老的狮子声称自己病得要死了，他告诉所有的动物来听他的临终遗言。
一只山羊进入狮子的洞穴，并一直留在那里，接着一只绵羊也进去了。之前，一只兔子也曾进去听这兽中之王的临终遗言。
但是不久，狮子好像康复了，能走到洞口了，他看到狐狸站在洞口，就问：“你为什么不进来呢？”
“尊敬的殿下，”狐狸回答说，“如果我没发现只有进去的脚印，没有一个出来的脚印，我也许会进洞去。”
When the Ambassador or Escalopia returned home for lunch, his wife got a shock.
当艾斯卡罗比亚国的大使回到家吃午饭时，把他的夫人吓了一跳。
He looked pale and his clothes were in a frightful state.
他面色苍白，衣服也搞得不成样子。
'What has happened?' she asked. 'How did your clothes get into such a mess?'
“发生了什么事？”她问，“你的衣服怎么搞得一塌糊涂？”
'A fire extinguisher, my dear,' answered the Ambassador drily.
“灭火器弄的，亲爱的，”大使冷冷地回答，
University students set the Embassy on fire this morning.
“今天上午大学生们放火点着了大使馆。”
'Good heavens!' exclaimed his wife. 'And where were you at the time?'
“天啊！”他的夫人惊叫，“那你当时在什么地方？”
'I was in my office as usual,' answered the Ambassador.
“我和往常一样，在办公室里，”大使回答说。
The fire broke out in the basement. I went down immediately, of course,
“地下室突然着火，我当然马上下去了。
and that fool, Horst, aimed a fire extinguisher at me.
但那个傻瓜霍斯特把灭火器对准了我。
He thought I was on fire.
他认为是我着火了。
I must definitely get that fellow posted.
我一定要把那个家伙打发走。”
The Ambassador's wife went on asking questions, when she suddenly noticed a big hole in her husband's hat.
大使夫人继续提出问题，她突然又发现丈夫的帽子上有个洞。
'And how can you explain that?' she asked.
“那么你对那又作何解释呢？”她问。
'Oh, that,' said the Ambassador.
“那个嘛，”大使说，
Someone fired a shot through my office window.
“有人向我办公室窗户开了一枪。
Accurate, don't you think?
真够准的，是不是？
Fortunately, I wasn't wearing it at the time.
幸亏我当时没戴帽子。
If I had been, I would not have been able to get home for lunch.
如果真戴着它，我现在就不能回家来吃午饭了。”
"What's the matter with you",asked the doctor.
"I have been broken all!",said the fool .
"Broken all,what's it mean?",the doctor was surprised.
Then,the fool pointed to his head and said:"Ouch!There is something wrong with my head."after that,he pointed to his back and said :"ouch,my back hurt."then,he touch his nose and said:"ouch,my nose hurt"……
The doctor thought a while and said :"you have a bad finger"
从前，有个傻瓜去看医生。那医生问他有什么病。那傻瓜说他全身伤了。那医生很疑惑。接着，那傻瓜用手指着头说：“很痛，我的头伤了。”接着，有指着背，鼻子，说它们都伤了。
那医生想了一会儿，说：“你的手指伤了。”
A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"
一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."
Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says
"Congratulations, you got twins x2." Man is happy and says, "Ironic, I work for the hotel "4 Seasons." All three of them are happy until they see their last buddy jumping all over the place, cursing God and banging his head on the wall. They asked him what's wrong and he answered, "What's wrong? I work for 7up"!
四个好朋友在医院里碰面了,他们的妻子正在生产.护士过来对第一个男人说:"恭喜,你得了双胞胎."男人说:"多奇怪呀,我是明尼苏达双子队的经理."过了一会儿,护士过来对第二个男人说:"恭喜,你得了三胞胎."男人很喜欢:"嗯,又巧了.我是3M公司的董事."最后,护士跑来对第三个男人说:"恭喜,你得了2对双胞胎."男人很开心地说:"真令人啼笑皆非,我为四季宾馆工作."他们三个都很高兴,但第四个伙伴急得像热锅上的蚂蚁,咒骂上帝并用头撞墙.他们问他有什么不对劲,他回答道:"什么不对劲?我可是在七喜公司工作呀!"
呵呵,一个比一个效率高.
Osama Bin Laden, a Canadian, and President Bush were walking down the street when they saw a golden lamp. They rubbed it and a genie came out and said, "I will grant each one a wish that’s 3 together." The Canadian said, "I am a father and my son will be a farmer so I want the soil in Canada to be forever fertile." The genie said the magic words and the wish came true. Osama looked amazed so he wished for a wall around Afghanistan the genie said the magic words and again the wish came true. President Bush said "Genie, tell me more about this wall," the genie said,” It’s 50 feet thick and 500 feet tall so nothing can get in and nothing can get out." President Bush said,” Wow! That’s a big bridge...Fill it with water!!!
拉登,一加拿大人还有布什总统走在大街上看到一盏金色的灯.他们擦了擦灯出现了一个精灵.精灵说:"我要满足你们每人一个愿望总共三个."加拿大人说:"我是个父亲我儿子将成为农夫,因此我想让加拿大的土地永远肥沃."精灵说了咒语愿望实现了.拉登看了很惊奇,他希望有座城墙围绕阿富汗.精灵又说了咒语愿望又实现了.布什总统问:"精灵请告诉我关于这座墙的事情."精灵回答:"墙厚50英尺,高500英尺,因而里面的任何东西出不来外面的任何东西进不去."布什总统说:"哇!那是座大桥耶...注满水!!!"
My Baby Swallowed a Bullet
Young Mother: "Doctor, my baby swallowd a bullet. What shall I do ?
Doctor: "Don't point him at anybody."
年轻的妈妈说：“医生，我孩子吞下一颗子弹，我该怎么办？”
医生说：“不要让他指着任何人。”
Notes
1. to swallow a bullet: 吞下一颗子弹
2. to point at: 对...瞄准
allybaby
Once two hunters went hunting in the forest. One of them suddenly fell down by accident. He showed the whites of his eyes and seemed to have ceased breathing. The other hunter soon took out his mobile phone to call the emergency center for help. The operator said calmly:"First, you should make sure that he is already dead." Then the operator heard a gunshot from the other end of the phone and next he heard the hunter asking:"What should I do next?"
两个猎人进森林里打猎，其中一个猎人不慎跌倒，两眼翻白，似已停止呼吸。另一个猎人赶紧拿出手机拨通紧急求助电话。接线员沉着地说：“第一步，要先确定你的朋友已经死亡。”于是，接线员在电话里听到一声枪响，然后听到那猎人接着问：“第二步怎办？”
fool_fox
标题：I'm the boss
内容：The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss". He then taped it to his office door.Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
note:staff meeting:员工会议
Wife's picture
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks.
After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini.
The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring you martinis all night long. But you go to tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife.When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
note:tavern 酒馆, 客栈
martini 马提尼酒
peek/pi;k/ n.一瞥, 匆忙看过v.偷看
英语笑话故事
He Won
Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.
他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。
I Have His Ear in My Pocket
Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
他的耳朵在我衣兜里
伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”
A Good Boy
Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."
好孩子
小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk
One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
醉酒
一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”
Hospitality
The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
好客
由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。
英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
1.A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?"
"Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I've make someone glad yesterday."
"Well done. Who was that?"
"My granny."
"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"
一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”
“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”
“做得好，是谁呢？”
“我奶奶。”
“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”
“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！
2. Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
研究生和本科生
Difference
区 别
"I can always tell a graduate class from an undergraduate class," observed the instructor in one of my graduate engineering courses at California State University in Los Angeles. "When I say, 'Good afternoon,' the undergraduates respond, 'Good afternoon." But the graduate students just write it down."
“研究生班和本科生很容易就能区别开来，”在洛杉矶加利福利亚州立大学给我们研究生上工程学课的老师如此说。“我说‘下午好’，本科生们回答说‘下午好’。研究生们则把我说的话记在笔记本上。”
Ill See to the Rest 其余的事由我负责
A guard was about to signal his train to start when he saw an attractive girl standing on the platform by an open door, talking to another pretty girl inside the carriage.
一位车上的列车员刚发出信号让火车启动，这时他看见一位很漂亮的姑娘站在站台上一节打开的车厢门旁边，跟车厢里另一位漂亮姑娘在说话。
"Come on, miss!" he shouted. "Shut the door, please!"
“快点，小姐!”他喊道：“请把门关上。”
"Oh, I just want to kiss my sister goodbye," she called back.
“噢，我还没有和妹妹吻别呢。”她回答道。
"You just shut that door, please," called the guard, "and I'll see to the rest."
“请把门关上好了，”列车员说：“其余的事由我负责。”
Beware of Dog! 小心有狗!
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. "Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner. "Yep, that's him," came the reply. The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?" "Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
一名陌生人走进一家乡间小商店，看到玻璃门上帖着的一个告示牌上写着，“危险! 小心有狗!” 进去后，他看到一条样子一点都不凶的老狗趴在收款机旁边的地板上睡觉。 “这就是大伙都得留神的那只狗啊？” 陌生人问店主。“是，就是他”，店主回答。 听到这个回答， 陌生人觉得很好笑。“我觉得那条狗一点都不可怕。 你帖那个告示做什么？” “因为，” 店主解释说，“在我帖告示之前， 大伙老被他绊倒。”
Itworked真的有效
Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.
"Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
Tom早上老起不来,所以上班总是迟到。他的老板非常生气,警告他如果他不能有所改善的话就炒他的鱿鱼。于是,Tom去看医生,医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗药。Tom照医生的话做了,睡得非常之好,事实上,他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。Tom从容不迫地吃完早餐,然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。
“老板”,Tom说,“那药真管用,我的睡眠好极了!”
“是够管用的,”老板说,“问题是,昨天你人哪去了”?
1.A Sunday school teacher was telling her pupils the importance of making others glad. "Now, children," said she , "has anyone of you ever make someone else glad?"
"Please, teacher,"said a small boy,"I've make someone glad yesterday."
"Well done. Who was that?"
"My granny."
"Good boy. Now tell us how you made your grandmother glad."
"Please, teacher, I went to see her yesterday, and stayed with her three hours. Then I said to her, 'Granny, I'm going home,' and she said, 'Well, I'm glad'!"
一个主日学校校(基督教教会为了向儿童灌输宗教思想, 在星期天开办的儿童班)的老师在对学生讲使别人高兴的重要性。“现在，孩子们，”她说：“你们当中有谁让别人高兴过？”
“我，老师，”一个小男孩说：“昨天我就使别人高兴过。”
“做得好，是谁呢？”
“我奶奶。”
“好孩子。现在告诉我们，你是怎样使你奶奶高兴的。”
“是这样的，老师。我昨天去看她，在她那儿呆了三个小时。然后我跟她说：‘奶奶，我要回家了。’她说：‘啊，我很高兴！
2. Stan: I won 92 goldfish.
Fred: Where are you going to keep them?
Stan: In the bathroom 。
Fred: But what will you do when you want to take a bath?
Stan: Blindfold them!
斯丹：我赢了 92 条金鱼。
弗雷德：你想在哪儿养它们？
斯丹：浴室。
弗雷德：但是你想洗澡时怎么办？
斯丹：蒙住它们的眼睛！
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