一句话的英语笑话

一两句话的英语笑话 越好笑的越好~

　一句话英语笑话一：Thisismyseat

　　It was a woman’s first time on a plane. She boarded the plane and found
herself a window seat.

　　After she settled in, a man came over and insisted that she was in his
seat. She ignored him and told him to go away.

　　"Okay," replied the man. "If that’s the way you want it, you fly the
plane."


　　一句话英语笑话二：Whatabigdeal

　　A young businessman had just started his business, and rented a beautiful
office. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to
appear busy, the businessman picked up the phone and pretended that he had a big
deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments.

　　Finally, he hung up and asked the visitor. "Can I help you?" The man said,
"Sure. I’ve come to install the phone."


　　一句话英语笑话三：Onehundredpercent

　　Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances of
recovery?

　　Doctor: Just one hundred percent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten
die of the disease. Now nine of my patients have already died of it. You are the
tenth!（微信关注 逗笑库 看更多精彩笑话）

hey Are Directly from America
Not long after an old Chinese women came back to china from her visit to her daughter in the Sates, she went to a city bank to deposit the U.S. dollars her daughter give her . At the bank counter ,the money was real.It mady out of patience.At last she couid not hold any more, uttering :“trust me, Sir, and trustthe money .They are real U.S. dollars. They.are directly from America. ”
汉译：
真美钞
一位中国老妇人到美国去看望女儿回来不久，到一家银行取存女儿送给她的美元。在银行柜台，银行职员认真仔细的检查了每一张钞票看，是否有假。这种做法使老妇人很不耐烦，最后实在忍不住说：“相信我，先生，也请你相信这些钞票。这都是真正的美元，是从美国直接带来的。”

He Won

Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself.
Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen?
Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won.

他赢了
汤姆：约翰尼，你小弟弟好吗？
约翰尼：他害病卧床了。他受了伤。
汤姆：真糟糕，怎么回事儿？
约翰尼：我们做游戏，看谁能把身子探出窗外最远，他赢了。

I Have His Ear in My Pocket

Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
"A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
"Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
"I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."

他的耳朵在我衣兜里

伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问，“发生了什么事？”
“一个男孩咬了我一口，”伊凡说。
“再见到他你能认出来吗？”妈妈问。
“他走到哪里我都能认出他，”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。”

A Good Boy

Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
"I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
"You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
"She is the one who sells the candy."

好孩子

小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。
“昨天给你的钱干什么了？”
“我给了一个可怜的老太婆，”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子，”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢？”
“她是个卖糖果的。”

Drunk

One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk."
"But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"

醉酒

一天，父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄，老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道：“爸爸，‘醉’字是什么意思？” “唔，孩子，”父亲回答说，“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个，那么我就算醉了。” “可是，爸爸， ”孩子说，“那儿只有一个警察呀！”

Hospitality

The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.

好客

由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时，家里没有奶酪了，于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿，他拿着一片奶酪回到房间，把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说：“孩子，你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪？” “在捕鼠夹上，先生。”那小男孩说。

英语小笑话
上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you
know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著
性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的
一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是
A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟
能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.

A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second"

一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便士."男子又问:"且话偻蚰昴?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?"上帝回答:"过一秒钟."

1,Two birls

Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which?

Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer.

Teacher: Please tell us.

Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow.

两只鸟

老师： 这儿有两只鸟，一只是麻雀。谁能指出哪只是燕子，哪只是麻雀吗？

学生：我指不出，但我知道答案。

老师：请说说看。

学生：燕子旁边的就是麻雀，麻雀旁边的就是燕子。

2. The Fish Net

"Can you tell me what fish net is made, Ann?"

"A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl.

鱼网

"你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗，安？" 老师发问道。

"把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了。" 小女孩回答道。

3. The New Teacher

George comes from school on the first of September.

"George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother.

"I didn\'t like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two and four were six too....."

新老师

9月1日， 乔治放学回到家里。

"乔治，你喜欢你们的新老师吗？" 妈妈问。

"妈妈，我不喜欢，因为她说3加3得6, 可后来又说2加4也得6。"

4. A physics Examination

Once in a physics examination, Nick finished the first question very soon, while his classmates were thinking it hard.

The question was: When it thunders why do we see the lighting first, then hear the thunderrolls?

Nick\'s answer: Because our eyes are before ears.

一次物理考试

在一次物理考试时，当同学们都还在苦思冥想时，尼克很快就答好了第一个问题。

这个问题是：为什么在打雷时，我们总是先看到闪电后听到雷声？

尼克的回答是：因为眼睛在前，耳朵在后。

Jim’s History Examination
Uncle: How did Jim do in his history examination?
Mother: Oh, not at all well, but there, it wasn't his fault. They asked him
things that happened before the poor boy was born.

吉姆的历史考试

舅舅：吉姆这孩子历史考得怎么样？
母亲：唉，糟透了。可话又说回来，这也不能怪他。嗨，他们尽问一些这个
可怜的孩子出生前的事儿。

1、I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2、I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 3、Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience. 4、The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list. 5、If sex is a pain in the ass, then you're doing it wrong... 6、The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 7、We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police. 8、Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand. 9、Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs. 10、Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason. 11、War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 12、Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship. 13、We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public. 14、Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich. 15、Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 16、My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch. 17、I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. 18、If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments. 19、Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. 20、Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 21、How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? 22、If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea... does that mean that one enjoys it? 23、Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 24、If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining. 25、Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night. 26、I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian 27、A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.. 28、If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong. 29、Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish? 30、A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing. 31、I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?" 32、Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up. 33、Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet? 34、Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt. 35、A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it. 36、Laugh at your problems, everybody else does. 37、The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas! 38、A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 39、Good girls are bad girls that never get caught. 40、He who smiles in a crisis has found someone to blame. 41、Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy. 42、The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room. 43、The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 44、To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research. 45、Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go. 46、I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot. 47、Crowded elevators smell different to midgets. 48、I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 49、Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do? 50、God must love stupid people. He made SO many. 51、Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 52、I always take life with a grain of salt, ...plus a slice of lemon, ...and a shot of tequila. 53、The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so he can tell when he's really in trouble. 54、It's not the fall that kills you; it's the sudden stop at the end. 55、Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. 56、Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. 57、There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away. 58、A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist. 59、Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose. 60、My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. 61、My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too. 62、A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying." 63、Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise. 64、When in doubt, mumble. 65、I intend to live forever. So far, so good. 66、Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were. 67、If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you! 68、A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer. 69、Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil. 70、Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. 71、Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back. 72、Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen. 73、Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone. 74、Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. 75、With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine. 76、I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch. 77、Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here." 78、You're never too old to learn something stupid. 79、A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip. 80、I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well." 81、Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever. 82、I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours. 83、We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control. 84、Women may not hit harder, but they hit lower. 85、Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 86、Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole. 87、I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. 88、I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die. 89、If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants. 90、To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target. 91、You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. 92、Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car. 93、Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 94、If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child. 95、A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it. 96、Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one. 97、You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. 98、The difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer is in the taste. 99、When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water. 100、Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

Doctor:Your cough sounds much better today.
Patient:It should.I've been practising all night.
医生：听上去你咳嗽今天好多了。
病人：应该如此。我昨晚练习了一整夜。

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.

能！！！！！

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