英语对话笑话有吗?要三个人的,每人起码五句

急~求英语笑话，要对话式的，初三水平，每人5句以上，谢谢！~

爆笑赵本山小沈阳《不差钱》双语版，应该不止5局吧，哈哈哈　
Got the Money Anyway
　　(A Comic Piece for the CCTV Spring Festival Gala 2009)
　　Play script by Cui Kai et al.
　　Characters
　　Uncle Zhao, acted by Zhao Benshan
　　Shenyang, acted by Shen He
　　CCTV Man, acted by Bi Fujian
　　Yadar, acted by Wang Jinfeng (Mao Mao)

　　小品：“不差钱”
　　（2009年中央电视台春节联欢晚会节目）
　　编创者 崔凯 等
　　表演者 赵本山、沈鹤、毕福剑、王金凤（毛毛）
　　（舞台上是一个餐厅的背景，写着：“苏格兰情调”。本山大叔穿着中山装，身上背着一串蒜头，手上拿着野鸡，拉着毛毛上场。）

　　(This short play is set in a restaurant named "Scottish Taste / Feel." Uncle Zhao, in his customary Chinese tunic suit, enters, carrying a string of garlic on his back and a pheasant in hand, with his granddaughter Yadar in tow.)

　　赵本山：到了。
　　毛毛： 到了。
　　赵本山：这就是铁岭最贵的一家饭店。这不，苏格兰调情（tiáo qíng）。
　　毛毛： 爷爷，你念反了，苏格兰情调（qíng diào）。
　　赵本山：啊，情调？就搁这儿吃。
　　毛毛： 爷爷，这家老贵的啦。
　　赵本山：贵？咱带钱了，带三万多块，那包呢？
　　毛毛： 我没拿包啊。
　　赵本山：装钱那包，黄包。
　　毛毛： 完了，让我落炕上了。
　　赵本山：我说，你这孩子还能办点事吗？！这给你办事，落炕上了还。兜里还有钱吗？
　　毛毛： 兜里，多少钱哪才？才70多块钱。
　　赵本山：我还有400。行，够了。
　　毛毛： 这也不能够啊。
　　赵本山：哎呀，够不够就这样了。服务员！

　　Uncle Zhao Here we are.
　　Yadar Here we are.
　　Uncle Zhao It's the most pricy eatin' spot in Tieling: "Scottish Tease / Fool."
　　Yadar You got it wrong - Scottish taste / feel, not tease / fool.
　　Uncle Zhao All right, taste / feel. We're gonna have our meal here anyway.
　　Yadar But it's very expensive.
　　Uncle Zhao So whut? We've got the money, 30,000 yuan. Where's the bag?
　　Yadar What bag?
　　Uncle Zhao The yellow one with the money in it.
　　Yadar Oh no, I left it on the brick bed.
　 　Uncle Zhao So whut can you do at all? I'm goin' t'rough all this for you and you had the nerve to forget the bag on the bed! Any money left on you?
　　Yadar Let me see... (Fumbling) only 70-plus yuan.
　　Uncle Zhao Here's 400 more.
　　Yadar Still not enough.
　　Uncle Zhao No matter. Waiter!

（小沈阳上）
　　小沈阳：对不起大爷，我们这是高档酒店，不收农副产品。
　　赵本山：不是，我们是吃饭的。
　　小沈阳：妈呀，吃饭的？
　　赵本山：不像啊？
　　小沈阳：不太像。
　　赵本山：我说姑娘啊，这顿饭非常重要。
　　小沈阳：妈呀，你管谁叫姑娘呢，人家是纯爷们。
　　赵本山：咋这么个打扮，还穿个裙子呢。
　　小沈阳：这是按我们苏格兰风格来包装的。再说也不是裙子啊，这不七分裤吗。你看，是有腿的哦。妈呀，着急穿跑偏了。妈呀，我说走道咋没有裆呢。
　　赵本山：行了，那条腿留明儿个穿，哈哈哈。小伙子我跟你说呀，今天我要请一位重要客人吃饭，你一定要招待好。
　　小沈阳：呃，没问题。
　　赵本山：来来来，我问问你，你们这个酒店，如果要急头白脸吃一顿，得多少钱？

　　小沈阳：咋还吃急眼了呢？
　　赵本山：我意思就是，最贵的都点上。
　　小沈阳：得一、两万的。
　　赵本山：一、两万？啊，那啥，有没有这种情况，今儿个吃完了，明儿个来结账？

　　(Shenyang, the waiter, enters.)
　　Shenyang Sorry, sir. We're of high class here. We don't take on stuff from street peddlers.
　　Uncle Zhao We're your customers. Don't we look like it?
　　Shenyang Not quite.
　　Uncle Zhao We're gonna have an important meal here, miss.
　　Shenyang Don't you call me a miss. I'm a man - from the inside out.
　　Uncle Zhao Then how c'me you wearin' a skirt?
　 　Shenyang Why, it's men's wear in Scottish style. See, it's no skirt but Capri pants. Look at this, look. Oh, damn it, I didn't get into one of the trousers in a hurry. No wonder I feel different while walking.
　 　Uncle Zhao Leave that trouser for tomorrow, hah! I tell you, boy, we're gonna have a damn' important guest here in a minute. You should do you' best.
　　Shenyang No problem.
　　Uncle Zhao How much does a meal cost here if we get at it like mad?
　　Shenyang Why so / What's wrong?
　　Uncle Zhao I mean if we order nothin' but the best.

　　Shenyang About 10,000 to 20,000.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut if s'mebody eats today and pays tomorrow?

　　小沈阳：打白条儿啊？
　　赵本山：不是啊，不是打白条，不差钱，有钱。喏。
　　小沈阳：啥意思？
　　赵本山：小费。
　　小沈阳：妈呀，大爷你真敞亮，你太帅了。
　　赵本山：给一百块钱还帅呢。我跟你说这不白给啊。一会儿客人到了，你一定要给足我面子，明白吗？我到点菜的时候，你得替我兜着点。
　　小沈阳：咋兜呢？
　　赵本山：既把面子给了，但是呢又不能花得......太狠。我要点贵菜......　　
　　小沈阳：我就说没有呗。
　　赵本山：哎呀妈呀，你太厉害了。来来来，拿点。再给你30，来。
　　小沈阳：我跟你都明码的哦。
　　赵本山：谢谢。
　　小沈阳：放心吧。
　　毛毛： 爷爷，我有点饿了。
　　赵本山：饿了？来碗面条。
　　小沈阳：呃，78一碗。
　　赵本山：啥面？这么贵。

　　小沈阳：苏格兰打卤面。
　　赵本山：是不是卤子贵？
　　小沈阳：卤不要钱。
　　赵本山：那就来碗卤子，先尝尝咸淡。快去，快去。
　　小沈阳：妈呀，没这么上过呀。
　　赵本山：那是我没来，我要来，你早就这么上了。去吧去吧。
　　小沈阳：这老爷子，我要说面条不要钱，要面条了你还。

　　Shenyang You'll give me an IOU?
　　Uncle Zhao Not that. I've got the money anyway. Take this.
　　Shenyang What's it?
　　Uncle Zhao A tip for you.
　　Shenyang You do understand people / things / the world, sir - you look cool!
　 　Uncle Zhao Whut's a hundred yuan to me! Still, you ain't get it for nothin'. When my guest c'mes, you put on a show with me. If I order expensive food, you should stop me doin' so.
　　Shenyang Like how?
　　Uncle Zhao Showin' due respect for my guest, yes. Spendin' too much on a meal, no. Whut if I ask for somethin' dear?
　　Shenyang I'll say "sorry, this we don't have."
　　Uncle Zhao You're smart. C'me, here's another 30 yuan.
　　Shenyang I'm not gonna cheat you when it comes to prices.
　　Uncle Zhao Thank you, boy.
　　Shenyang Nothing much.
　　Yadar Grandpa, I'm hungry.
　　Uncle Zhao How much's a bowl of noodles?
　　Shenyang 78 yuan.
　　Uncle Zhao Whut noodles can be so expensive? 内容来自dedecms
　　Shenyang Scottish sauced noodles.
　　Uncle Zhao Does the sauce cost much, too?
　　Shenyang It's free.
　　Uncle Zhao Get us a bowl of sauce, so we can see whether the taste's right. Quick.
　　Shenyang That's no way to serve a meal, sir.
　　Uncle Zhao You think so only becuse I didn't show up here before. Now it's time to make s'me change.
　　Shenyang (to himself) Had I said the noodles are free, he would've asked for noodles. (Exits)

　赵本山：来，站起来。跟你说，一会儿星光大道的毕老师来了，你一定要给我争个脸，好不？这是人生最好的一次机会，知道吗？爷爷培养了你，都已经四十多年了。
　　毛毛： 爷爷，我才多大。
　　赵本山：我还培养你爸三十多年呢。这不，你爸那是个半成品，我都给培养成文化站站长了。你一定要超过他，有决心吗？
　　毛毛： 有。
　　赵本山：表一下决心。
　　毛毛： 我指定：
　　洪湖水，浪打浪，
　　长江后浪推前浪，
　　一浪更比一浪强，
　　把我爹拍在沙滩上！

　　赵本山：有志向。
　　小沈阳：哎，来了。
　　赵本山：来，先把这卤子喝了，这孩子饿了。
　　毛毛： 爷爷，有点咸了。
　　赵本山：没事，给她整碗水去。
　　小沈阳：免费的水，不是？
　　赵本山：白开水就行。真够抠的。

　　Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Listen here, Yadar. When Mr. Bi from CCTV's Starlight Broadway c'mes, you must show you' best, OK? It's the best opport'nity for you' own future. Grandpa's been preparin' you over the past 40-plus years.

　　Yadar Grandpa, see how old I am now. 织梦内容管理系统

　　Uncle Zhao I prepared you' daddy for 30 extra years. Though he ain't good enough, he's the chief of the township's cultural center. So you really should outdo him. Can you make it or not? dedecms.com

　　Yadar I can.
　　Uncle Zhao Swear if you're serious.
　　Yadar The Yangtze River like the Hong waters rolls on and on,
　　Each wave behind higher than the one at the front.
　　Young people are born to challenge their elders;
　　I'll beach my daddy like... like a wrecked old ship.
　　Uncle Zhao Good for you / Well said! 本文来自织梦

　　(Shenyang enters again.)
　　Shenyang Here's the sauce for you.
　　Uncle Zhao (to Yadar) Eat this, so you won't be too hungry.
　　Yadar Grandpa, it's a bit salty.
　　Uncle Zhao (to Shenyang) Fetch her s'me water to drink.
　　Shenyang You mean free water?
　　Uncle Zhao Just plain boiled water, you miser.

内容太多，进入原文去看看吧，原文地址是:
http://www.yingyuzaixian.com/joke/dup/200905179825.html

Will power意志力
Mike(M) Danny(C), Tommy(T)---classmates
Scene----in the college dorm
Danny is playing a computer game on his laptop. Tommy is sleeping.
Mike came back from a morning jogging.


M: hi, Dan, what are u doing?
D: I am playing war craft.
M: Where is Tommy?
D: yes!
M:What? What's the matter?
D: Don't u see? He is still sleeping.
M: My goodness! I can't believe this! It’s almost nine. He got to get up now. Don't u remember we are required to make up a three people dialogue for tomorrow's oral class?
D: Yes, I do. You wake up Tommy and I will play one more round of war craft.
M: You'd better stop playing right now. We don't have much time to prepare this dialogue. Tommy! Tommy! Wake up! Time to wake up!
T:five more minutes, please.
Mike: No way, Jose. Time really flies.We still have a lot to do. Hurry up.
T: (Tommy sits up in his bed) Can I lie down two more minutes, please, just two more minutes? when Danny finishes his game, I will be fine.(Yawns) I don't know why I am so so sleepy. (Tommy lies down again.)
M: Guys!!! I am really angry now. Time waits for nobody. If you two don't stop what you are doing now, I will find somebody else to be my partners.
D and T: all right. All right. We listen to u.

M: That's more like it. We need will power.
D and T: what is will power?
M: Will power is trying hard not to do something that you really want to do.
D: You mean like trying not to play war craft?
Mike: right.
T: you mean like trying not to stay up late?
M: right.
Danny turns off his computer. Tommy gets up and goes to the bathroom.
Two minutes later the three maskeetters are working on their assignment.
Danny: Mike, can I take a little break? Let me play one round and we will continue our work?
Tommy: Mike, Can I lie down a minute? My back hurts.
Mike: No! No! No! Let's finish our work first before we do anything. We need will power!!!
Danny and Tommy: that's true. We need will power! We listen to you.

The end




翻译：
将power意志力
迈克(M)丹尼(C),汤米(T)-classmates——
场景在大学宿舍————
丹尼是玩电脑游戏对他的笔记本电脑。汤米睡着了。
迈克回来,从一个早上慢跑。


男:嗨,阿丹,你在干什么?
医生:我玩战争的工艺。
男:汤米吗?
医生:是的!
男:是什么?发生了什么事?
医生:别你看到了吗?他还在睡觉。
男:我的天啊!我简直不敢相信这一点!这几乎是9。他起床了。你不记得我们被要求做了三个人对话为明天的口语课吗?
是的,我喜欢。你醒来的时候,我将扮演一个托米更圆的战争的工艺。
男:你最好别打吧。我们没有那么多的时间准备这个对话。汤米!汤米!醒醒吧!该起床了!
师:5分钟时间,请。
麦克:没门,何塞。时间飞逝。我们还有很多事情要做。快点。
师:(汤米坐在在床上)我可以躺下两分钟,仅仅两分钟吗?当丹尼结束了他的比赛,我将会做得很好。(的话),我不知道我为什么这么困倦。(汤米躺了。)
男:伙计们! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !我真的生气了。时间等待任何人。如果你不停止你现在正在做的事,我要找别人来作我的伙伴。
和T:好吧。所有的权利。我们听你。

男:那样才像话。我们需要将权力。
和T:什么是意志的力量吗?
男:意志努力不去做一些你真正想做的事。
医生:你的意思是说像试图去玩战争的演技?
迈克:是的。
老师:你是说就像忍住不熬夜到很晚吗?
男:没错。
丹尼关掉他的电脑。汤米起身去洗手间。
两分钟后三个maskeetters正在他们的任务。
丹尼:迈克,我可以稍微休息一下?让我玩一圈,我们将继续我们的工作吗?
汤米:迈克,我可以躺一会儿吗?我背疼。
迈克:不!不!不!让我们完成我们的工作之前,我们什么也做不了。我们需要将力量! ! !
丹尼和托米:那是真的。我们需要意志的力量!我们听你的。

结束

　　(This is guaranteed laughs in the Chinese classroom. It was originally a
　　bit in a Pink Panther movie).
　　A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the
　　shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?"
　　The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite."
　　The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him.
　　"Ouch!" He says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!"
　　The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog!"
　　Submitted by Rick Bell
　　________________________________________
　　There were three restauraunts on the same block. One day one of them put
　　up a sign which said "The Best Restaurant in the City."
　　The next day, the largest restaurant on the block put up a larger sign
　　which said "The Best Restaurant in the World."
　　On the third day, the smallest restaurant put up a small sign which said
　　"The Best Restaurant on this Block."
　　Submitted by Jim J. Johnson
　　________________________________________
　　A lorry driver is driving 200 penguins to London Zoo when his lorry breaks
　　down on the motorway. The driver gets out of the cab and is looking at the
　　engine when a second lorry driver stops in front of him and asks if he
　　needs help. The penguins' driver explains that he is taking the penguins
　　to the zoo and asks if the other man would
　　take the penguins there. He agrees.
　　Some hours later, the 2nd lorry driver drives past the first one, who is
　　still waiting on the motorway. The penguins are still on the lorry, and
　　look happy.
　　"I thought I asked you to take those penguins to the zoo," shouted the
　　first driver.
　　The second replied, "I did, but I had some money left, so we're going to
　　the cinema now."
　　(Present continuous / just for fun)
　　Submitted by Jeremy Hookway
　　________________________________________
　　One day a student was taking a very difficult essay exam. At the end of
　　the test, the prof asked all the students to put their pencils down and
　　immediately hand in their tests. The young man kept writing furioulsy,
　　although he was warned that if he did not stop immediately he would be
　　disqualified. He ignored the warning, finished the test 10
　　minutes later, and went to hand the test to his instructor. The instructor
　　told him he would not take the test.
　　The student asked, "Do you know who I am?"
　　The prof said, "No and I don't care."
　　The student asked again, "Are you sure you don't know who I am?"
　　The prof again said no. So the student walked over to the pile of tests,
　　placed his in the middle, then threw the papers in the air.
　　"Good" the student said, and walked out. He passed.
　　Submitted by Mary Cobb Neighbors
　　________________________________________
　　A woman got on a bus, holding a baby.
　　The bus driver said, "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen."
　　In a huff, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle
　　seat near the rear of the bus.
　　The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what

　　was wrong.
　　"The bus driver insulted me," she fumed.
　　The man sympathized and said, "Why, he's a public servant and shouldn't
　　say
　　things to insult passengers."
　　"You're right," she said. "I think I'll go back up there and give him a
　　piece of my mind."
　　"That's a good idea," the man said. "Here, let me hold your monkey."
　　Submitted by Abu Abdulaziz (Kuwait)
　　________________________________________
　　James was walking down the road one morning when he met his friend Danny.
　　"Morning, Danny. Er ... Danny, you're wearing a glove on one hand and none
　　on the other. Did you know?"
　　"Yes, well I heard the weather forecast this morning, you see."
　　"The Weather forecast?"
　　"Yes, the weather forecast. the forecaster said on the one hand it might
　　be fine but on the other hand there might be some rain."
　　(Cantonese students have problems with "on the other hand" because there
　　is a similar expression in Cantonese that means "in addition". This joke
　　helps highlight the contrast implied.)
　　Submitted by Dick Tibbetts, Macau
　　________________________________________
　　This worked fine with my level 200a on up.
　　A man got a parrot which could already talk. It had belonged to a sailor
　　and had a big vocabulary. However, the man soon discovered that the parrot
　　mostly know bad words. At first he thought it was funny, but then it
　　became tiresome, and finally, when the man had important guests, the
　　bird's bad words embarrassed him very much.
　　As soon as the guests left, the man angrily shouted at the parrot,"That
　　language must stop!". But the bird answered him with curses. He shook the
　　bird and shouted again, "Don't use those ugly words!" Again the bird
　　cursed him.
　　Now the man was really angry. He grabbed the parrot and threw him into the
　　refrigerator. But it had no effect. From inside the refrigerator,the
　　parrot was still swearing. He opened the door and took him out, and again
　　the bird spoke in dirty words and curses. This time, the man opened the
　　door of the freezer , threw the bird into it, and closed the door.
　　This time there was silence. After two minutes, the man opened the door
　　and removed the very cold parrot. Slowly the shivering parrot walked up
　　the man's arm, sat on his shoulder and spoke into his ear, sounding very
　　frightened:
　　"I'll be good, I promise...Those chickens in there.. what did they say?"
　　Submitted by Peggy Datz
　　________________________________________
　　I think this joke is funny and so far, all of my intermediate to advanced
　　ESL classes have agreed with me.
　　A duck walks into a bar and goes up to the bartender.
　　The bartender says "What can I get you?"
　　Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
　　Bartender (looking surprised and finding the question odd):
　　No, I'm afraid we don't.
　　And the duck waddles slowly out of the bar.
　　The next day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, hops up on a
　　bar stool.
　　Bartender: Hi. What can I get for you?
　　Duck: Umm. Do you have any grapes?
　　Bartender (a little annoyed): Hey! Weren't you in here yesterday. Look
　　buddy, we don't have any grapes. OK?
　　The duck hops off the stool and waddles out the door.
　　The next day, at the same time, the bartender is cleaning some glasses
　　when he hears a familiar voice
　　Duck: Umm.. Do you have any grapes?
　　The bartender is really ticked off.
　　Bartender: Look. What's your problem? You came in here yesterday asking
　　for grapes, I TOLD you, WE DON'T HAVE ANY GRAPES!! Next time I see your
　　little ducktail waddle in here I'm going to nail those little webbed feet
　　of yours to the floor. GOT me pal?
　　And the duck hops off the bar stool and waddles out.
　　The NEXT day at the same time, the duck waddles into the bar, walks up to
　　the bartender and the bartender says,
　　"What the heck do YOU want?"
　　Umm. do you have any nails?
　　What!? OF course not.
　　Oh. Well, do you have any grapes?

　　----
　　I taught my students waddle, webbed feet but you could teach What the heck
　　do you want, pal, barkeep, bartender, etc
　　It is also good to review "any"
　　________________________________________
　　A man's dog has a problem so he takes him to the vet's. The vet looks at
　　the dog and says that he'll have to take him to the examining room. In the
　　examining room, he takes a cat out of a cage and lets the cat walk all
　　over the dog, but the dog doesn't do anything.
　　The doctor say "Your dog is dead."
　　The man goes out to the receptionist and asks for his bill.
　　"That'll be $325" says the receptionist.
　　"What! $325? How's that possible?"
　　"It's $25 for the consultation, and $300 for the Cat scan."
　　NOTE: The students might not recognise the word CAT scan.
　　Submitted by Christine MacBrien (as told to her by her brother Dave in
　　Toronto
　　________________________________________
　　The two beginning ESL students went to Honolulu on holiday. Soon they
　　began to argue about the correct way to pronounce the word "Hawaii." One
　　student insisted that it's Hawaii, with a "w" sound. The other student
　　said it was pronounced like "Havaii," with a "v" sound.
　　Finally, they saw an old native on the beach, and asked him which was
　　correct. The old man said it's "Havaii." The student who was right was
　　very happy, and thanked the old man.
　　The old man said "you're velcome."
　　Submitted by: Brian Madden
　　________________________________________
　　Every day, an ESL teacher was seen coming out of the rest room with a
　　marker, used for writing. In the rest room were expressions and graffitti
　　written on the walls. It was very bad. Finally, the Director of the school
　　called the teacher into the office and told the teacher that it was
　　terrible of him to write those things on the walls. The teacher said that
　　he was not the one writing those things. All that the teacher did was to
　　correct the grammar.
　　Submitted by: Brian Madden
　　________________________________________
　　"Dad, I don't want to go to school today." said the boy.
　　"Why not, son?"
　　"Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had
　　chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs
　　died and we had roast pork the next day."
　　"But why don't you want to go today?"
　　"Because our English teacher died yesterday!"
　　________________________________________
　　A man was driving at 80 kph one day when he was passed by a 3-legged
　　chicken. He accelerated and passed the chicken. Three minutes later the
　　chicken passed him again as he was driving at 100 kph. The man tried to
　　catch the chicken but it ran down a side road. The man followed it into a
　　farmyard but couldn't find it anywhere. He saw the farmer and told him the
　　story and the man asked for an explanation. The farmer said that he, his
　　wife and his son all liked chicken legs so he bred 3-legged chickens.
　　"What do they taste like?" asked the man.
　　"I don't know", replied the farmer, "we haven't caught one yet"
　　Submitted by: Alastair Rice
　　________________________________________
　　This one will perhaps only be good for your more advanced students.
　　A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The barman
　　refuses to serve him saying rudely, 'Sorry but we don't serve the likes of
　　you. Get out!'
　　The piece of string leaves the bar feeling glum, he walks down the road
　　and then he sees two girls who he asks for help. 'Please,' he says to one
　　of the girls, would you tie a knot in me?' This she does. 'Please,' the
　　piece of string says to the other girl,'would you mind taking your comb
　　and fluffing out the ends of my string?' so the girl obliges.
　　'Thank you' says the string and he turns around, goes back into the bar
　　and immediately orders a drink again.
　　The barman looks at him quizzically and says 'aren't you the piece of
　　string that was in here a moment ago?'
　　'No' came the answer, 'I'm a frayed knot.'
　　Submitted by: Catherine
　　________________________________________
　　Three rich brothers each wanted to do something special for their elderly
　　mother on Mother's Day. The first brother bought her a huge house. The
　　second brother gave her a limousine, with a driver. The third brother
　　remembered that his mother used to love to read the Bible, but couldn't
　　see well anymore, so he got her a specially trained parrot that could
　　recite any verse from the Bible on demand.
　　Soon, the brothers received thank-you notes from their mother. The first
　　son's note said, "The house you bought me is much too big! I only live in
　　a small part of it, but I have to clean the whole thing!" The second son
　　got a note that said, "I rarely leave the house anymore, so I hardly use
　　the limo you gave me. And when I do use it, the driver is so rude!" The
　　third son's note said, "My darling baby boy, you know just what your
　　mother loves! The chicken was delicious!"
　　Teaching Notes: We previewed some of the vocabulary, such as limousine,
　　trained, delicious, and gave a printed copy of the joke to the students as
　　part of a reading activity. We knew they were finished when they started
　　chuckling. If the reference to the Bible would be inappropriate for your
　　class, you might adapt the joke by substituting "the classics")
　　Submitted by: Eve Ross
　　________________________________________
　　George was taking care of a parrot for his aunt. This parrot was a very
　　nasty parrot. It cussed and screamed and made fun of George, so he took
　　the parrot and put it in the freezer.
　　The parrot kept screaming and insulting George until finally it stopped.
　　George thought to himself, "On no! I froze my aunt's bird to death."
　　He opened the door and saw the bird alive!
　　The bird said, "I'm sorry for my behaviour and will never act up again.
　　George said, "Why the change?"
　　The bird answered, "Because I saw what you did to the other bird.
　　(HInt: He saw the frozen chicken.)
　　Submitted by Erin McCluskey
　　________________________________________
　　A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to
　　live.
　　He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she
　　said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell
　　me."
　　The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen
　　cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you
　　said you never would want me to open it as long as you lived. Now that I'm
　　about to go home to be with the Lord, why don't you show me what's in that
　　secret box of yours?"
　　The preacher's wife got out the box and opened the lid. It contained
　　$100,000 and three eggs.
　　"What are those eggs doing in the box?" the preacher asked.
　　"Well, Honey," she replied, "every time your sermon was really bad I put
　　an egg in the box."
　　Now the preacher had been preaching for over forty years, and seeing only
　　three eggs in that old shoe box, he started to feel very proud about
　　himself and it warmed his soul.
　　"And what about that $100.000?"" he asked.
　　"Oh, you see," she whispered softly, "every time there were a dozen eggs
　　in the box, I ..sold them."
　　Submitted by Tim Allen, Switzerland
　　________________________________________
　　A man goes out of prison after twenty years. He decides to go back to the
　　neighbourhood where he lived. When he gets there he cannot recognize the
　　place. Everything has changed a lot. The places he used to visit have all
　　disappeared. Even the pub has disappeared.He is very tired and would like
　　to have something to eat. He goes into a small café and has a coffee and a
　　sandwich.When he takes out his wallet he finds a shoemaker ticket in it.
　　He then remembers that the last thing he had done before being arrested
　　was to take a pair of shoes to the shoemaker's. He decides to go there and
　　try. What a wondeful thing! The shoemaker is still at the same place. He
　　gets into the shop and tells the shoemaker that about twenty years before
　　he had left him a pair of shoes to have them repaired. The shoemaker has a
　　look at the ticket and says: "O.K. Come back tomorrow. They will be ready
　　then." Some things never change.
　　Submitted by Christine MAZEAU
　　________________________________________
　　I was once told by a Japanese student that this is an old story.
　　One Saturday afternoon the grasshopper, the snail, and the centipede were
　　sitting around the grasshopper's house drinking beer.
　　They ran out of beer before they were ready to quit drinking, so they
　　decided one of them should go out for more beer.
　　The snail said, "I'd go, but I'm kind of slow. Besides, Grasshopper, this
　　is your neighborhood so you know where to go."
　　The grasshopper said, "I don't mind going, but my hopping will shake up
　　the beer and we'll get sprayed every time we open one."
　　So they decided to send the centipede; and the grasshopper explained how
　　to get to the nearest liquor store.
　　An hour or so passed and still the centipede hadn't returned, so the snail
　　and the grasshopper decided to go look for him.
　　They got as far as the the front door and found the centipede sitting
　　there putting on his shoes.
　　Submitted by Rodney A. Hoiseth - Roth Corporation
　　________________________________________
　　This joke never fails to get a laugh.
　　A man slow witted man walked into a pattent office. He walked up to the
　　patent officer and said, "Hey, I've got a new idea for a mouse trap."
　　(Draw a box on the blackboard.)
　　"Here's the box." (Draw a hole in the box.) "Here's the hole." (Draw a
　　circle in the bottom of the hole) "Here's the cheese." (Draw a line across
　　the hole in the box.) "Here's the blade. The mouse sticks his head in the
　　holeto get the cheese, the blade drops on his neck and kills him."
　　The patent officer looks at the diagram. He understands that the man is a
　　little slow so he wants to be kind. He explains to the man that he does
　　not think the design is ready to be patented yet. He tells the man,
　　"Please, work on it some more. Perhaps I will be able to patent it another
　　time." The slow witted man says thank you and leaves the office.
　　One week later the slow witted man shows up again. (Draw the exact same
　　example on the board in exactly the same way.) The slow witted man says,
　　"This is the box, this is the hole, this is the cheese and this is the
　　wire. The mouse sticks his head in the hole to get the cheese, the wire
　　wraps around his neck and kills him."
　　The patent officer, still trying to be kind, makes the same excuse as
　　before. The slow witted man leaves.
　　One week later the slow witted man returns. He approaches the same pattent
　　officer and says, (The exact same things)
　　"Here's the box. Here's the hole. (This time he draws a zig-zag line
　　across the hole and he does not draw a circle for the cheese.) After
　　completing the zig-zag line, the slow witted man proclaims, "and here's
　　the saw blade."
　　The patent officer notices the design and the fact that that ther is no
　　cheese. He asks the slow witted man, "Where's the cheese." "Ah-ha," says
　　the slow witted man.
　　"That's the point. The mouse sticks his head in the

有一天，俺商店里来了个外国人买西餐料。他选好一样东西，俺就在计算器上摁出价钱给他看。当然俺有点不好意思了，而且俺还会句英语。
于是 ，俺就对他说：
“I am sorry”。
“I am sorry， too” 外国人回答。
“I am sorry three” 我道。
“What are you sorry for?” 外国人问。
“I am sorry five” 我说……

——————————————————————————

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape
keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the
middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up
the Program Manager."
Customer: "I don't have a 'P'."
Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "What do you mean?"
Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob."
Customer: "I'm not going to do that!"

——————————————————————————

Early Shopper

It was Christmas and the judge was in a benevolent mood as he questioned the prisoner. "What are you charged with?" he asked.

"Doing my christmas shopping early," replied the defendant.

"That's no offense," replied the judge, "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened," countered the prisoner.

采购过早

那天是圣诞节，法官在审讯犯人时也有点恻隐之心。“你为什么而被起诉？”他问。

“采购圣诞节物品过早。”被告答。

“这不算犯法，”法官回答，“你购物多早？”

在商店开门之前，“犯人应道。

---

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