麻烦雅思高手修改下作文！谢谢！

请高手帮忙改下这篇【雅思作文】 谢谢！~

1 第一段都是模板，具体表现力不强，生硬。如果在前几年考试，这是上等作文，但现在不是了，有很多句子显得很牵强，如since people advocate equality all the time, they also make it equal in number of sex of every subject ，在使用木板的过程中，由于语言功底，不可避免地出现了语法错误。而语法错误（in the number of female students and male students in some subjects）又突出了模板的存在。

2 It is evidently reasonable for some to argue that different subjects should be put into different numbers of gender. 依旧模板，可以说that之前都是没有用的东西，不是it is evidently reasonably that 这个句型不好，而是这个结构出现在这里就是地道的模板。后面 把谁放进谁里面？弄混了。
3 architecture, education and math 难道真的男生就比女生好吗？特别是education，用词大，所有的学科都是education。
4 As a consequence 结果是，用在此处当然不恰当。in contrast，好！
5 Otherwise, the physical demands. Men have priority in term of physic ,they are taller, stronger that have capacity to attend some special subjects ,like army school , physical and sports school 说的乱，太晚了 就不给你改了。
6 For instance , I as well as my brother are keen on swimming, therefore we attended a sport course together. However, almost every time we had a test , he passed it without any difficulty ,by contrast, I were always below 60. 这个例子的出现为你的模板作文挽回了0.5分啊！写作就要用实实在在的细节信息！
7 the physical factor is one of the most considerable factors each subject should focus on. 语法问题，谓语动词冲突
8 Additionally, employment is another reason. What we can always see on the notice board of employment is the demands: only for men or only for women, because employers think that men or women can do this work better, hence, that affects the numbers of gender in different subjects.
这一部分是表现，不是原因，用它论证，不妥！

总体：
1 本文论述没有力度，也许是由于模板的存在 。 文章格式很好，但语言不好，论述不利。
2 语法有一些问题。如果不是模板，那么考官会忽略这些语法问题。但正是使用了模板，模板的句子个个很酷，但非模板句多数出现问题，这回令考官反感。
3 思想上，本文支持平等，支持男女不按平均数量来划分，所以第二段很长，第三段很短。而且第三段的理由又是那么的强势或强硬，以至于别人明显能看出你挑了一个别人的不太好的论点来说，这样就会导致读者不信服。而且并不是第二段长，第三段短，就能证明你第二段好，你要去反驳第三段，才能观点统一。
4 最后，如果我来写这，我会在every subject做文章，去否定，并不是所有的subject都equal。有的需要分，有的不需要分。而且不需要分的要多一些。而本文第二段说不分，第三段说分，没有交叉感，这样写逻辑性不强。不会得高分。
如果还有不明白的，可以发站内信。

countryside is a better choice to live.
这句我觉得应该是countryside is a better place to live, 或者countryside is a better choice to take. 这样句子前后才对应。
Cause the number of vehicles are increasing quickly in these years. When exhaust is emitted, city people inhaling polluted air may cause disease.
这两句不是很通。“因为”不能直接用cause，必须写正规点，because。
然后city people inhaling polluted air may cause disease不是很通，我建议改成，people in the city would inhail polluted air and they may get disease。
By the way, the size of houses in city are tiny normally
这个by the way不是很恰当，有点像人跟人聊天用的随意短语，可以用Moreover, furthermore, also, 之类的我觉得好一点。
From what has been discussed above, living in countryside is a perfect choice
这句结论有点太主观了，既然上面说了乡村生活还没有被完善，那么说明乡村不是一个“perfect” 的选择，最多只能说是更好。

最后我建议多用些副词，比如说However, it is true that Chinese countryside has no enough elementary facilities and equipments for live这句，前面可以换成undeniably, unarguably, evidently, manifestly, 这些，感觉可能档次看上去高一点。

这篇文章很多词语和很多观念都用的很好很恰当，只是有一些细节上的语法错误需要改进一点 : )

我不会英语呀，我的家人（我的家庭）
我爱我的家庭，因为我有一个幸福的家庭。
我的父亲是一名英语教师。他的名字是张学友。他是38 。他喜欢打篮球。我的母亲的工作吗？她是一名教师？是的，你说得对！我的母亲是非常客气的和好，她是37 。我的母亲总是艰苦的工作。我爱我的父母！
在星期六和星期天，我经常去图书馆和弹钢琴，我的父亲去打球。有时候，我们看电视和听音乐在家里。
我爱我的家庭。因为我非常高兴地与我的父母生活在一起！
My family
I love my family, because I have a happy family.
My father is an English teacher. His name is Jacky. He is thirty-eight. He likes playing basketball. What’s my mother job? Is she a teacher? Yes, you’re right! My mother is very kind and nice, she is thirty-seven. My mother is always laborious work. I love my parents!
On Saturday and Sunday, I often go to the library and play the piano, My father go to play basketball. Sometimes, we watch TV and listen to music at home.
I love my family. Because I’m very happy to live with my parents together!

you make many mistakes in the use of vocabulary and punctuation. The grammar and structure have a little problem，more or less.I suggest that you could take participation into a course，such as the intensive class for ielts(NOS) ,if the left time for you to prepare for this examination is not much limited .BTW , what score is enough for you? the framework used in a article is very wkward.Don`t choose it,my advice.

5-5.5的样子。

定语从句要多用之外，
学会用一点虚拟语气，倒装，强调，同位语 等高级句式。

模板痕迹太明显了。
词汇不需要特意改用生僻的词，用对就行，
和水平不相匹配的词汇显得过于堆砌

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