急需英文剧本！！！！

急需英语情景剧剧本！！急！！~

《Friends》剧本（第一季）106 The One With the Butt

106 The One With the Butt
[Scene: A Theater, the gang is in the audience wating for a play of Joey's to start.]
Rachel: (reading the program) Ooh! Look! Look! Look! Look, there's Joey's picture! This is so exciting!
Chandler: You can always spot someone who's never seen one of his plays before. Notice, no fear, no sense of impending doom...
Phoebe: The exclamation point in the title scares me. (Gesturing) Y'know, it's not just Freud, it's Freud!
(The lights dim.)
Ross: Oh, shhh, shh. Magic is about to happen.
(The lights go up on the stage, Joey, as Freud, is talking to a female patient.)
Joey: Vell, Eva, ve've done some excellent vork here, and I vould have to say, your pwoblem is qviiite clear. (He goes into a song and dance number.)
All you want is a dingle,
What you envy's a schwang,
A thing through which you can tinkle,
Or play with, or simply let hang...
Opening Credits
[Scene: The Theater, the play has ended and everyone is applauding. As soon as the cast leaves, the gang all groan and sit down heavily.]
Rachel: God. I feel violated.
Monica: Did anybody else feel they just wanted to peel the skin off their body, to have something else to do?
Chandler: (staring at a woman across the room) Ross, ten o'clock.
Ross: Is it? Feels like two.
Chandler: No, ten o'clock.
Ross: What?
Chandler: (sighs and gestures to explain) There's a beautiful woman at eight, nine, ten o'clock!
Ross: Oh. Hel-lo!
Chandler: She's amazing! She makes the women that I dream about look like short, fat, bald men!
Monica: Well, go over to her! She's not with anyone.
Chandler: Oh yeah, and what would my opening line be? 'Excuse me. Blarrglarrghh.'
Rachel: Oh, c'mon. She's a person, you can do it!
Chandler: Oh please, could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up here.
Ross: He could never get a woman like that in a million years.
Chandler: Thank you, buddy.
Phoebe: Oh, oh, but y'know, you always see these really beautiful women with these really nothing guys, you could be one of those guys.
Monica: You could do that!
Chandler: Y'think?
All: Yeah!
Chandler: Oh God, I can't believe I'm even considering this... I'm very very aware of my tongue...
Ross: C'mon! C'mon!
Chandler: Here goes. (He walks over to her but just stands there.)
Aurora: ...Yes?
Chandler: Hi.... um... okay, next word... would be... Chandler! Chandler is my name, and, uh...(He clears his throat noisily)...hi.
Aurora: Yes, you said that.
Chandler: Yes, yes I did, but what I didn't say was what I was about to say, what I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me sometime, thankyou, goodnight. (He walks back to the others but she calls him back.)
Aurora: Chandler?
(Joey enters from behind a curtain. The others all talk at once.)
All: Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
Joey: Whadja think?
(Pause)
All: ...Hey! You're in a play! I didn't know you could dance! You had a beard!
Joey: C'mon, you guys, it wasn't that bad. It was better than that thing I did with the trolls, at least you got to see my head.
All: (admitting) Saw your head. Saw your head.
Chandler: (running back) She said yes!! She said yes!! (To Joey) Awful play, man. Whoah. (To All) Her name's Aurora, and she's Italian, and she pronounces my name 'Chand-lrr'. 'Chand-lrr'. I think I like it better that way. (To Joey) Oh, listen, the usher gave me this to give to you. (He fishes a card out of his pocket.)
Rachel: What is it?
Joey: The Estelle Leonard Talent Agency. Wow, an agency left me its card! Maybe they wanna sign me!
Phoebe: Based on this play? ...Based on this play!
[Scene: Central Perk, everyone else is there as Chandler enters.]
Chandler: Hey, kids.
All: Hey.
Phoebe: (reading Monica's palm) No, 'cause this line is passion, and this is... just a line.
Chandler: Well, I can't believe I've been here almost seven seconds and you haven't asked me how my date went.
Monica: Oh, right, right. How was your date, 'Chand-lrr'?
Chandler: It was unbelievable. I-I've never met anyone like her. She's had the most amazing life! She was in the Israeli army...
(A flashback of Aurora and Chandler on their date in Central Perk is denoted by italics.)
Aurora: ...Luckily none of the bullets hit the engine block. So, we made it to the border, but just barely, and I- ...I've been talking about myself all night long, I'm sorry. What about you? Tell me one of your stories.
Chandler: Alright. Once I got on the subway, right, and it was at night, and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.
Chandler: We talked 'til like two. It was this perfect evening... more or less.
Aurora: ...All of a sudden we realised we were in Yammon.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, so 'we' is?
Aurora: 'We' would be me and Rick.
Joey: Who's Rick?
Chandler: Who's Rick?
Aurora: My husband.
All: Ooooohhh.
Chandler: Oh, so you're divorced?
Aurora: No.
Chandler: Oh, I'm sorry, then you're widowed?...Hopefully?
Aurora: No, I'm still married.
Chandler: So tell me, how do- how do you think your husband would feel about you sitting here with me?...Sliding your foot so far up my pant leg you can count the change in my pocket?
Aurora: Don't worry. I imagine he'd be okay with you because really, he's okay with Ethan.
Chandler: Ethan? There's, there's an Ethan?
Aurora: Mmmm... Ethan is my... boyfriend.
All: What?!
Chandler: So explain something to me here, uh, what kind of a relationship do you imagine us having if you already have a husband and a boyfriend?
Aurora: I suppose mainly sexual.
Chandler: ...Hm.
Monica: Oh. I'm sorry it didn't work out.
Chandler: What 'not work out'? I'm seeing her again on Thursday. Didn't you listen to the story?
Monica: Didn't you listen to the story? I mean, this is twisted! How could you get involved with a woman like this?
Chandler: Well, y'know, I had some trouble with it at first too, but the way I look at it is, I get all the good stuff: all the fun, all the talking, all the sex; and none of the responsibility. I mean, this is every guy's fantasy!
Phoebe: Oh, yeah. That is not true. Ross, is this your fantasy?
Ross: No, of course not! (Thinks) ...Yeah, yeah, it is.
Monica: What? So you guys don't mind going out with someone else who's going out with someone else?
Joey: I couldn't do it.
Monica: Good for you, Joey.
Joey: When I'm with a woman, I need to know that I'm going out with more people than she is.
Ross: Well, y'know, monogamy can be a, uh, tricky concept. I mean, anthropologically speaking-
(They all pretend to fall asleep.)
Ross: Fine. Fine, alright, now you'll never know.
Monica: We're kidding. C'mon, tell us!
All: Yeah! C'mon!
Ross: Alright. There's a theory, put forth by Richard Leakey-
(They all fall asleep again.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Rachel is there as enter except Joey enter.]
Rachel: Tah-daaah!
Chandler: Are we greeting each other this way now? 'Cause I like that.
Rachel: Look! I cleaned! I did the windows, I did the floors... I even used all the attachments on the vacuum, except that little round one with the bristles, I don't know what that's for.
Ross: Oh yeah, nobody knows. And we're not supposed to ask.
Rachel: Well, whaddya think?
All: Very clean! It looks great! Terrific!
Monica: ...Oh! I-I see you moved the green ottoman.
All: Uh-oh...
Monica: How-how did that happen?
Rachel: I dunno.. I-I thought it looked better there. And I- and also, it's an extra seat around the coffee table.
Monica: Yeah, yeah, it's interesting.. but y'know what? Just for fun, let's see what it looked like in the old spot. (She moves it.) Alright, just to compare. Let's see. Well, it looks good there too. Let's just leave it there for a while.
Phoebe: (to Rachel) I can't believe you tried to move the green ottoman.
Chandler: Thank God you didn't try to fan out the magazines. I mean, she'll scratch your eyes right out.
Monica: You guys, I am not that bad!
Phoebe: Yeah, you are, Monica. Remember when I lived with you? You were like, a little, y'know, (psycho) Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
Monica: That is so unfair!
Ross: Oh c'mon! When we were kids, yours was the only Raggedy Ann doll that wasn't raggedy!
Monica: Okay, so I'm responsible, I'm organised. But hey, I can be a kook.
Ross: Alright, you madcap gal. Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away.
Monica: Why not?
Ross: Because you're a kook! Instead you wait until they send you a notice.
Monica: I could do that.
Rachel: Okay, uh, you let me go grocery shopping, and I buy laundry detergent, but it's not the one with the easy-pour spout.
Monica: Why would someone do that?! ...One might wonder.
Chandler: Someone's left a glass on the coffee table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink, it's a hot day. Little beads of condensation are inching their way closer and closer to the surface of the wood...
Monica: STOP IT!! ...Oh my God. It's true! Who am I?
Ross: Monica? You're Mom.
(Monica gasps.)
Phoebe: Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree! Ree!
(Joey enters and he's on the phone.)
Joey: (on phone) Uh huh.. uh huh... oh my God! Okay! Okay, I'll be there! (He hangs up and to all.) That was my agent. (He tosses and catches the phone.) My agent has just gotten me a job...in the new Al Pacino movie!
All: Oh my God! Whoah!
Monica: Well, what's the part?
Joey: Can you believe this? Al Pacino! This guy's the reason I became an actor! "I'm out of order? Pfeeeh. You're out of order! This whole courtroom's out of order!"
Phoebe: Seriously, what-what's the part?
Joey: "Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in!"
Ross: C'mon, seriously, Joey, what's the part?
Joey: ...I'm his (mumbles)
Rachel: ..You're, you're 'mah mah mah' what?
Joey: ...I'm his butt double. 'Kay? I play Al Pacino's butt. Alright? He goes into the shower, and then- I'm his butt.
Monica: (trying not to laugh) Oh my God.
Joey: C'mon, you guys. This is a real movie, and Al Pacino's in it, and that's big!
Chandler: Oh no, it's terrific, it's... it's... y'know, you deserve this, after all your years of struggling, you've finally been able to crack your way into showbusiness.
Joey: Okay, okay, fine! Make jokes, I don't care! This is a big break for me!
Ross: You're right, you're right, it is...So you gonna invite us all to the big opening?
Commercial Break
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, the next morning, Monica is getting the door.]
Monica: Alright, alright, alright...
(Joey enters with Monica's paper and hands it to her.)
Joey: Here. I need to borrow some moisturizer.
Monica: For what?
Joey: Whaddya think? Today's the big day!
Monica: Oh my God. Okay, go into the bathroom, use whatever you want, just don't ever tell me what you did in there.
Joey: Thank you! (He goes into the bathroom.)
(Chandler enters with the phone.)
Chandler: Where's Joey? His mom's on the phone.
Monica: He's in the bathroom. I don't think you wanna go in there!
Chandler: C'mon, we're roommates! (He goes into the bathroom, screams, and runs back out.) My eyes!! My eyes!!
Monica: I warned you...
(Rachel enters from her room.)
Rachel: Who is being loud?
Chandler: Oh, that would be Monica. Hey, listen, I wanna borrow a coupla things, Aurora spent the night, I really wanna make her breakfast.
Monica: Oh, you got the whole night, huh?
Chandler: Yeah, well, I only have twenty minutes until Ethan, so, y'know.. (He starts to raid the fridge.)
Rachel: Ooh, do I sense a little bit of resentment?
Chandler: No, no resentment, believe me, it's worth it. 'Kay? Y'know in a relationship you have these key moments that you know you'll remember for the rest of your life? Well, every- single- second is like that with Aurora.. and I've just wasted about thirty-five of them talking to you people, so, uh.. Monica, can you help me with the door? (He has armloads of stuff.)
Monica: Sure. Oh, um, Chandler? Y'know, the-the old Monica would-would remind you to scrub that Teflon pan with a plastic brush...But I'm not gonna do that.
(She opens the door and he leaves.)
[Scene: A Film Set, Joey is entering for his scene.]
Director: (on phone)...Dammit, hire the girl! (He hangs up the phone.) Okay, everybody ready?
Joey: Uh, listen, I just wanna thank you for this great opportunity.
Director: Lose the robe.
Joey: Me?
Director: That would work.
Joey: Right. Okay. Losing the robe. (He takes off the robe.) And the robe is lost.
Director: Okay, everybody, we'd like to get this in one take, please. Let's roll it.. water's working (The shower starts).. and... action.
(Joey starts to the shower with a grim, determined look on his face.)
Director: And cut. Hey, Butt Guy, what the hell are you doing?
Joey: Well, I'm- I'm showering.
Director: No, that was clenching.
Joey: Oh. Well, the way I see it, the guy's upset here, y'know? I mean, his wife's dead, his brother's missing... I think his butt would be angry here.
Director: I think his butt would like to get this shot before lunch. Once again, rolling... water working... and action....and cut. What was that?
Joey: I was going for quiet desperation. But if you have to ask...
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Aurora and Chandler are in bed in Chandler's room.]
Chandler: God, I love these fingers...
Aurora: Thank you.
Chandler: No, actually I meant my fingers. Look at 'em, look at how happy they are.
Aurora: (moves Chandler's arm and look at his watch.) Oh my God, I'm late. (She starts to get up.)
Chandler: Oh no nonononononnononono, don't go.. (He kisses her and pulls her back down.)
Aurora: Okay.
Chandler: Don't go.
Aurora: Okay. Oh no, I have to.
Chandler: (to himself) Too bad, she's leaving.
Aurora: (getting up and dressing) I'm sorry. He'll be waiting for me.
Chandler: Well, I thought- I thought you talked to Rick.
Aurora: It's not Rick.
Chandler: What, Ethan? He got to spend the whole day with you!
Aurora: No, it's-it's Andrew.
Chandler: I know there'll be many moments in the years to come when I'll regret asking the following question, but- And Andrew is?
Aurora: He's... new.
Chandler: Oh, so what you're saying is you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself?
Aurora: No, that's not exactly what I was..
Chandler: Well, y'know, most women would kill for three guys like us.
Aurora: So what do you want?
Chandler: You.
Aurora: You have me!
Chandler: Nono, just you.
Aurora: Whaddyou mean?
Chandler: Lose the other guys.
Aurora: ...Like, ...all of them?
Chandler: C'mon, we're great together, why not?
Aurora: Why can't we just have what we have now? Why can't we just talk, and laugh, and make love, without feeling obligated to one another... and up until tonight I thought that's what you wanted too.
Chandler: ...Well, y'know, part of me wants that, but it's like I'm two guys, y'know? I mean, one guy's going 'Shut up! This is great!' But there's this other guy. Actually it's the same guy that wells up every time that Grinch's heart grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device... And he's saying, y'know, 'This is too hard! Get out! Get out!'
Aurora: So... which one of the two guys will you listen to?
Chandler: I don't know, I-I have to listen to both of them, they don't exactly let each other finish...
Aurora: Which one?
Chandler: ...The second guy.
Aurora: (gets up to leave) Well, call me if you change your mind.
(She kisses him, he holds her, and kisses her passionately.)
Chandler: Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.
(She leaves, Chandler sighs, and falls back on his bed.)
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, Ross is trying to comfort Chandler. Joey is absent.]
Ross: Look at it this way: you dumped her. Right? I mean, this woman was unbelievably sexy, and beautiful, intelligent, unattainable... Tell me why you did this again?
(Joey enters.)
All: Hey!
Monica: Hey, waitwait, aren't you the guy that plays the butt in the new Al Pacino movie?
Joey: Nope.
Ross: No? What happened, big guy?
Chandler: (to Ross) "Big guy?"
Ross: It felt like a 'big guy' moment.
Joey: I got fired.
All: Oh!
Joey: Yeah, they said I acted too much with it. I told everybody about this! Now everybody's gonna go to the theatre, expecting to see me, and...
Rachel: Oh, Joey, you know what, no-one is gonna be able to tell.
Joey: My mom will.
Chandler: Something so sweet and...disturbing about that.
Joey: Y'know, I've done nothing but crappy plays for six years. And I finally get my shot, and I blow it!
Monica: Maybe this wasn't your shot.
Ross: Yeah, I mean... I think when it's your shot, y'know, you-you know it's your shot. Did it... feel like your shot..?
Joey: Hard to tell, I was naked.
Phoebe: No, I don't think this was your shot. I mean, I don't even think you just get one shot. I really believe big things are gonna happen for you, I do! You've gotta just keep thinking about the day that some kid is gonna run up to his friends and go 'I got the part! I got the part! I'm gonna be Joey Tribbiani's ass!'.
Joey: Yeah? That's so nice! (They hug.)
(Ross and Chandler look at each other and hug as well.)
Monica: I'm sorry, Joey. I'm gonna go to bed, guys.
All: Night.
Rachel: Uh, Mon, you-you gonna leave your shoes out here?
Monica: (determined) Uh-huh!
Rachel: Really? Just casually strewn about in that reckless haphazard manner?
Monica: Doesn't matter, I'll get 'em tomorrow. Or not. Whenever. (He goes to her room.)
Ross: She is a kook.
Closing Credits
[Scene: Monica's Bedroom, she's lying in bed wide awake.]
Monica: (hums for a while, then gives up, and in her head) If it bothers you that much, just go out and get the shoes. No. Don't do this. This is stupid! I don't have to prove anything, I'm gonna go get them...But then everyone will know. Unless I get them, and then wake up really early and put them back! ...I need help! (She buries her head in her pillow.)
End

甲：你好，节日快乐！
乙：恩？节日？什么节日？你生日呀？恭喜恭喜呀！红包拿来！

甲：什么乱七八糟的呀！人家生日早过了！

乙：噢，原来不是你的生日呀！那今天是什么日子呀？

甲：不会吧，你连今天是什么日子都不知道呀？

乙：我为什么要知道？今天很重要吗？

甲：当然！是我们大家的节日呀。

乙：噢，我知道了，是国庆节！

甲：啊，还没到十月一日呢？

乙：那就是妇女节！让我们一起祝愿天下所有的妈妈们节日快乐
（唱：妈妈呀妈妈，亲爱 的……）

甲：等等等等，又错了！

乙：那是不是劳动节呀？

甲：（大笑）5.1的7天长假是不上把你给睡傻了?(摸对方额头)

乙:去去去,你才傻了呢!不就是儿童节吗？

甲:啊！你耍我呀？！！！

乙:不耍你，同学们怎么会笑呀？

甲：啊！我成小丑了？

乙：瞧瞧你那身材，不是小丑，难道是大象呀？

甲：好了好了，大过节的，我也不和你一般见识了！
让我们一起来祝愿所有的同学们节日快乐吧！

乙：好是好，但没空！

甲：啊！你都忙什么呀？本文转自www.coffbar.com，www.coffbar.com 小品剧本，简历模版 简历封面

乙：白天学校搞活动，少了我怎么行呀？

甲：那晚上呢？

乙：你猜我干啥？

甲：难得一个假日，肯定看电视呗！

乙：俗！你那档次也太低了点！

甲：啊，你档次高，你高到哪了？　
乙：客气客气，我也只是高到里罢了。
甲：啊！你是明星呀！失敬失敬！
乙：没什么的拉，也只是偶尔演个节目什么的，难得在荧屏上露个脸罢了！其实，你也可以的！

甲：我？我行吗？

乙：当然行了！让广大的少年朋友们一起来看看：瞧这小脑袋，比聪明的一休还机灵，
瞧这张小嘴，比花仙子还漂亮，瞧这对小眼睛比蜡笔小新的还……

甲：求求你，别说了，再说，我都快成日本人拉！

乙：反正是超级小美女一个！

甲：别逗了你！我哪有那么好呀，说得人家的脸红了！
不过，平时，男同学都叫我樱桃小丸子的。

乙：（偷偷的：她是樱桃小丸子？我还西瓜太郎呢！）

那太好！今天我还真找对人了。走吧，咱赶紧上电视台去把。（用手拉）


甲：哎，哎，你先别拉我，我得先问问你。


乙：还有什么好问的呀，就是你拉！我们得赶时间！

甲：电视台又不是你家开的，您老人家是大明星，我一个小学生谁放我进去呀？

乙：哟，听你这口气，是不相信我呀？

甲：对呀，咱一个小学生想上电视就上电视，那张柏芝和谢霆锋他们不早失业了？我猜呀，人家连大门都不让我进。

乙：那咱跟门卫叔叔好好说呀！

甲：好好说？难道要我像街上要饭的小孩一样死磨硬泡：“叔叔，可怜可怜我吧，求求你拉，您不让我进我就不活了！”

乙：那是他们被坏人利用，我们可不用那么惨！

甲：那咱怎么说？咱们就那么说：“叔叔，您就让我们进去吧！我们不小了，我们都20多了！

乙：啊？20多了？

甲：对呀，两人加一块儿呀！

乙：你还当人家是老年痴呆呀？

甲：那就说：“叔叔，您放我进去，我就送你一大瓶娃哈哈行不？喝了我的娃哈哈，
吃饭就是香。妈妈我要——娃、哈、哈！

乙：瞧你，还没有出名呢，就学明星做起广告来了！告诉你，用不着这一套！

甲：那还真能进电视台？

乙：废话，告诉你吧，咱今天是“六.一”联欢晚会的主持人!

甲:嘿！咱也能当个主持人？

乙：当然了，咋不能？我的头发比那李永长，普通话比刘仪伟标准100倍，为什么不行？

甲：那今年怎么搞呀？

乙：今年都听我的。

甲：啊？你还是总导演呀？

乙：那不敢当！上个月，我广泛征集同学的意见给电视台写了一封信，
把咱们的想法和构思详细一说，哎呀！你猜怎么着，人家居然采纳了！

甲：真的吗？

乙：他们都夸我这种敢于参与的勇气，还说我有改革意识，有创新精神，了不起！人小志气大呀！

甲：哇！同学们咱给我们的大明星来点掌声呀！

乙：（从怀里掏出一香肠当话筒）谢谢，谢谢！大家的掌声！我一定干得比鞠萍姐姐还棒！

甲：嘿！还真像那么回事呀！

乙：（咬了一口）呵！味道好极了！

甲：咳，咳！你怎么先吃上了？快说说“六.一”晚会到底怎么搞呀！

乙：总体构想是这样的：大演播厅要布置成一个美丽的童话世界。这里有百鸟森林、七彩木屋、奇花异草、玻璃宫殿，还有各种大型积木，在变幻的电脑灯光下，闪烁着奇妙的光环和色彩。

甲：还真美呀！

乙：再加上世界各国的经典儿童歌曲，那才叫诗情画意呢！

甲：舞台也一定很漂亮吧？

乙：那当然！都是从全球各国小画家的设计中挑选出来的最佳方案，然后综合在一起，
哇！那简直太美了！一不小心还容易迷路！

甲：晚会都有什么节目呀？

乙：哇！那可太精彩了！我先来介绍一下演员阵容吧。

甲：都有谁呀？

乙：这边是由100位小演员扮演的百部爱国主义影片中的英雄人物大合唱《祖国颂歌》。

甲：好！发扬爱国主义传统，为振兴中华而奋斗！

乙：这边是孙悟空、白雪公主、神笔马良、小三毛、花仙子、葫芦娃、黑猫警长、米老鼠、唐老 鸭、蓝精灵、变形金刚、哆啦A梦、蜡笔小新等中外著名卡通演员表演的大型歌舞节目——《我们共同的节日》。

甲：好！象征着世界儿童大联欢！

乙：舞台上演的是小合唱、小合奏、小舞蹈、小品、小杂技、小武术、小相声、小戏、
小魔术、小游戏……反正除了小便都可以！

甲：废话！

乙：还有小记者采访十佳少年；小主持人邀请我们的航天英雄杨利伟叔叔与大家见面；
小朋友向为我们的健康成长，日夜辛勤工作的家长、老师、儿童艺术工作者鲜花致谢！

甲：对！应该，应该的！

乙：还请贫困地区的小朋友代表上台，接受我们节日的礼物和祝愿。

甲：我们手拉手，心连心。

乙：小书法家、小画家、小摄影家、小诗人和小发明家，当场献艺！

甲：节目可真丰富呀！

乙：是呀，现场的掌声肯定比呼噜声响亮！

甲：晚会都邀请了哪些佳宾呀？

乙：世界各国的领导人和社会名人能来的都来了！连联合国秘书长安南爷爷都来了，
可惜少了三个重要人物。

甲：都少了谁呀？

乙：美国总统小布什呀。

甲：这老小子的架子可真够大呀！

乙：什么呀！人家是被伊拉克战争搞得后院着火，都火烧眉毛了，
哪还有心情来和我们一起玩呀？

甲：那还有谁呀？

乙：伊拉克前总统萨达姆呀！

甲：他家也着火了？

乙：你家才着火呢！我们的老萨同志正在国际法庭上接受审判呢！再说小布什也不准他来呀！

甲：哎！还真够可怜的！那还有一个是谁呀？

乙：那就是大名鼎鼎的恐怖分子老大——笨.拉登呀!

甲: 应该是本.拉登吧?

乙:反正都一样。

甲：他又怎么了？

乙：人家目前躲在山洞里，打电话给他，他不敢接，写信又不知道地址！
我们真不知道怎么联系他呀！

甲：他还是别来的好！

乙：为什么呀？

甲：如果他也来了，那么大的演播厅就只剩下两个人拉！

乙：人都到哪儿去了？

甲：一看到老拉登就都跑了呀！

乙：那怎么还有一个呀？

甲：那就是那个大明星呀！

乙：到底是谁呀？

甲：还不就是那个不怕死的主持人呀！

乙：啊！是我呀！！！

甲：不是你还有谁呀？

乙：我才不干呢！我还是快点跑吧！

The Pocket Money
Characters: Narrator(N), Salesman(S), Dad(D), Maggie(M), Alice(A), Candy(C), Policeman(P)
Preparation: 学校布景，做糖果用桌及相关材料，小贩家布景
Scene1（At Salesman’s home）
N: In a dark dirty house, there lived a small, dirty salesman. He always makes unhealthy candies and sells them to the students. He has a lot of money now. But how does he make the candies? Oh, xu …… He is coming!
S: Hello, do you know me? No? Oh, let me tell you .I’m the famous candy salesman at the school gate. My candies are very popular,(展示)，I don’t know why. The foolish students always come here. I’ll be a boss soon! Candy, money, candy, money……
Oops! It’s time to make candies now.(看表)
First, put the flour on the table.
Then, water, sugar, flour.(边说边做)
Now press, press……
Oh, my dirty hands! Never mind! Just do it!(满不在意的神情)
Press, press……
Oh, my god!(鼻涕)Never mind! Just do it!
Press, press, the children will not know it , it’s OK,hehehe……
Now let me cut it into pieces!
One, two, three, four, five……（用脏菜刀）
Wow, everything is ready!
糖果钻出来（跳舞），跳完后，非常难过地说：Oh, I’m so dirty and ugly! What can I do? The students will eat me! And they will be ill! Wuwuwu…
S: Mmmm…It looks dirty, let me give you a nice coat! (给它穿上) Wow! Now it’s so beautiful! Haha……
C: Oh, no! Don’t sell me! I’m dirty!(拖糖果下场)
Scene2（At the school gate）
N: The next day, when the class is over, all the students come out happily and the salesman goes to the school gate as usual. （Maggie和Alice 欢快地跑出校门，看到小贩）
(小贩拉着糖上场，吆喝)：Candies! Candies! Sweet candies! ……
M: Oh, Alice! Look! Candies!
A: Yeah! I think they are yummy!
M: Let’s ask him.
A: OK!
C: Don’t buy me！（非常焦急）
M&A: Why?
C: I’m dirty！
M: No, you look nice!
C: What can I do? (面向观众) Wuwuwu…(小贩将她拉在后面)
S: Candies! Candies!（引诱两个女孩）
M&A: How much are they?
S: Do you have money?（轻蔑）
M&A: Money?(对视)

M:Oh, I’ve no money!（失落之极）
A: Me too.
S: No money? So sorry!(吆喝着走开，下场)
M: What can we do now?
A: Let’s ask dad for money.
M: But how to ask?
A: How?…Oh,I know ,let’s make him happy ,and he will give us money.（自信）
M: Good idea!(全部下场)
Scene 3:（At Maggie’s home）
N: The children have to go home and ask dad for some money, and they know their father is good at playing guitar, so they will do something clever. (爸爸看报)
M: Dad,dad,let’s sing a song ,OK? (同时Alice去取吉他准备拿给爸爸)
A: And play the guitar for us!
M: We know you play so well!
(爸爸诧异地看着孩子)
D: Oh? What a bright day today!
M&A: Please, dad!(哀求)
D:OKOK! Let’s.
(取吉他，开始准备)D: Which song do you like? How about Edelweiss?
M&A: Of course!
(开始弹，第一段孩子随节奏起舞，第二段孩子开始轻声讨论起来“you first”之类的话，爸爸停止弹琴。)
D: What’s the matter?
M: Dad, we have no money!
A: Can we have some please?
D: I think you have lots of pocket money ,and you don’t need any more.
M:I want to buy some candies at the school gate.
A: They look so sweet and nice!
M: Other students always buy them!
D: But……You can’t ! They are quite unhealthy. Please go and do your homework..(置之不理，转头看报，孩子回到房间)
M: What shall we do now?
A: Let me think …well, I know!(轻声在Maggie耳边说)
M: Oh, you are so clever! Let’s go.(回到爸爸身边)
M: Dad, I want a new eraser!
A: I want a longer ruler!
M&A: Dad, please！
D: Things are expensive these days. We have to save money!
M: But dad, my eraser is too small now!(拿出破橡皮来给爸爸看)
A: And my ruler is broken.（拿出断尺）
D: OK, children. I believe you this time, make sure, don’t buy the food at the school gate. It’s unhealthy! Do you know?
M&A: Yes, sir!
D: Here you are !( 给钱)
M&A: Thanks very much, dad! Bye!(非常高兴，下场)

N: The next day, when the class is over ,Maggie and Alice come to the salesman again. They are happy to buy the candies and then have them, but soon they feel a stomachache.
(孩子高兴地买了糖，边吃边回家，小贩下场，孩子到家后肚子痛)
M: Aiyo!……（两人躬着背进场）
A: …….
D: What’s wrong?
M: I’ve a stomachache!
A: Me too!
D: What did you eat? The food at the school gate?
M: Yes. We had some candies just now.
A: I had some too!
D: Oh! You’ve cheated me! You bought the candies instead of the eraser and ruler. I always tell you that don’t buy the food at the school gate, they are unhealthy!（生气）
M: But they look nice!
A: And tastes good!
M&A: Aiyo……
D:Well, Let’s go to the salesman together and have a look!
M&A: OK.
Scene 4: (At the school gate)
N: When they get to the school gate, a policeman is asking the salesman to go away.
(正走到校门口，发现警察驱赶校门口的小贩)
P: Hey! You shouldn’t stay here, leave now!
C: Let’s go home, let’s go home! (轻声并拉小贩)
S: No! My candies are nice and popular here! And…
C: You are telling a lie! I’m very dirty and unhealthy!
M&A: Dad, it’s him! Aiyo…（指着小贩）
D: He?
(警察走过来问爸爸，朝小孩)
P: What’s the matter with them?
D: They got a stomachache after having his candies.
S: Really? But I’ve never heard of it. And……
P: Stop, stop!(打断小贩) Look at the two girls! Are you guilty? You must be honest with the students, and don’t sell candies any more.（非常严厉）
S: OK. I know. (羞愧)
C: Let’s go home. Let’s go home.
Policeman(对小孩): Girls, please listen! Don’t buy the candies next time. They are bad for your health.
D: Yes, he is right. And you shouldn’t tell a lie to me. Try to be an honest person! Will you?
M&A: OK, dad!
P: Let’s take them to the hospital now.
D: OK, Let’s go.
N（出场）: A few days later, the girls recovered. And this story is trying to tell you that some of the phenomenon must be kept down, we hope it could be improved soon

http://zhidao.baidu.com/question/14412574.html?si=2
有好几个剧本,,,我个人认为其中的三只小猪不错...~~~

英语搞笑话剧《孔雀东南飞》
Wanders every five miles

焦仲卿Johnny (Jf or short) 刘兰芝 Lunch(Lf or short)
焦母Johnny’s mother(JM fors hort)刘母Lunch’s mother(LM for short)
太守之子Mayor’s son(MS for short)强盗Burglars(AB and C)

Prologue
(J作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,J被打中,狼狈不堪)
J: Everybody says that I’m henpecked,but in fact,I’m as strong as a tiger,(小声)while my
wife is WuSong.
(指着上台处的门大声道)I’m not afraid of you!
(内砸出一脸盆,J接住当成盾牌护着头)Then,I’m afraid of whom?
My wife Lunch is the most famous woman in the neighbor-hood.She is braver than me,
smarter than me and stronger than me.All this I do not care.I only want her to be tender
than me.But she is not!Having a wife like this is just like living in the hell!
(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中J)
My God!Who can help me?(下)

Act1
(序幕结束时,JM作窃听状)
JM(拄拐棍上):I can!
(对门内)Lunch!Lunch!Where are you?
L(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):I’m here!What’s up mum?
JM:I’ve told you again and again that you should call me“my most beautiful graceful and
dearest mother-in-law”.
L:OK.My most beautiful graceful and dearest mother-in-law,what’s up?
JM:Since you married my son you have behaved so badly.You have been so rude,so brusque,so
lazy……
L:But……
JM:Never interrupt me!
L:Never interrupt me!Since I married your son,that terrible Johnny,I have been working hard all
day long,cooking and washing.I have raised tens of thousands of pigs and ducks and chicken
and……
JM:But all those you have done are not as valuable as a grandson!
L(生气地挥动着锅铲):Oh,you want a grandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)Go and ask your
son.I’m leaving!(扯下围裙,扔在JM的脸上,下)

Act2
(LM坐在台上打毛线,L拿着锅铲上)
L:Mum,I’m back!
LM:You are back? Why? What happened?
L:I was kicked out by my most beautiful graceful and dearest mother–in-law.
LM(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):See!I have already told you!When you insisted on
marrying that terrible Johnny,I told you that he is ugly stupid and poor,but you did not listen
to me.Look at yourself……
L:But,mum……
LM:Never interrupt me!
L:Mum,I’m not interrupting you.I just want to tell you that you are always right OK?And
I’ll marry whom ever you want me to.
LM(大喜):Nice girl!Just now,I met the mayor’s son in the market.He said:“If your daughter
Haven’t been married,I really really want to marry her!”Now you are free again,I’ll go
and tell him.(下)
L(惊愕):What?The mayor’s son?The most famous playboy in the neighbor-hood?(手中的锅
铲掉在地上)What as illy thing I have done!(下)

Act3
(J睡眼惺忪上)
J(边走边道)unch!Lunch!Where are my socks?
(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)Here they are!(闻一下) Er!How smelly!They are still dirty!
(突然想起)Lunch has gone!I have to wash them myself.
(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)Oh,I’m so hungry!But there’s no breakfast!(捡起地上的围
裙)This is what Lunch always wears!I miss her so much,and her excellent cooking skill!Now
she has gone.I have to cook for my mother and myself.
JM(上):Where’s my breakfast?Where’s Lunch?Hasn’t she got up yet?
J:Mum,can’t you remember?Lunch has gone!
JM(沉吟片刻):Well,to tell you the truth Johnny,as on without a wife is useless.Lunch is a nice
girl,go and take her back!
J(立正敬礼):Yesmadam!

Act4
(J开心地走着�鋈惶�隼慈�銮康?
A:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!
The road is built by me!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)
B:And I planted one tree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)
C:If you want to go by this street---(欲踩石头，但踩到了A的脚)
AB&C:Give us all your money!
J(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出1角硬币):Is1mao enough?
(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)
A:What bad luck!This guy is broken!
B:If we can not rob any money today,we will have nothing to eat tonight!
C:I heard that the mayor’s son is going to marry Miss LiuLanzhi next month.WE can go and
rob the wedding!
A&B:Good idea!
J(惊讶):What?What?Lunch is going to get married?It’s impossible!
AB&C:Why?A pretty girl and a richman,what a good couple!
J:But Lunch is my wife!We haven’t got divorced yet!
(突然有了主意)I’ve got an idea!You are going to rob the wedding,don’tyou?I’ll go
with you.You take the money and I take the bride.
B:Have you got any experience?
J:No.But I’ve got this!(J脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄1，000，000)

Act5
(转眼已到了婚礼之期．MS意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，J盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)
(J和三强盗跃至台中)
ABC&J:Hey you!Stop and listen to us!
A:The road is built by me!
B:AndI planted one tree.
C:If you want to goby this street---
J:Give us all your money!
(L听到J的声音，掀起了盖头)
L(惊喜万分):Johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到J的身边并躲到了的身后)
(MS大怒，挥拳向J打来．J矮身一躲，MS打中了J身后的L，L晕倒)
J(火冒三丈):How dare you beat my wife!（挥拳向MS冲去）
(J与MS混战，JM上，以拐杖击晕MS)
(J将MS胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)
J(扶起L，关切地问):Honey,how are you?
L(哭状):I hurt a lot!
Jon’t cry baby.I’ll go and fetch the medicine. (下)
L(起身去追):Wait for me! (跑下)
(音乐起 Can You Celebrate)
可能人物是多了点，但是是很不错的剧本，你不妨去乐知网看看，也许有你要的东西

有花木兰的剧本要不要

google search <<sleep beauty >>and <<snow white>>play scripts..

!!1!11!

---

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