只求高手帮我改一下雅思作文？不懂行的绕过
6分 ,if you lived in north you stomatch would turn at the sight of fish.胃stomach 这句怎么俩动词。有些句子看不懂，不过套句用的多，说理过于简单，我认为有点牵强，
重点弄错了吧。。。是要你总结global water use by sector的main features, 然后还有brazil and congo的consumption 。。 你第一句话就没指出你文章要写的全部内容。。。只说了consumption， 然后就急转直下开始介绍water use in worldwide ？ 太跳跃了吧。。。。
The graph and table above show details of the usage of global water in different field, as well as the water consumption in Brazil and Congo in 2000. Firstly, the graph displayed the global water mainly use in three aspects -- agriculture, industry and domestic, 然后写图
While the water consumption .........
Finally, 总结2图的共同点或差异点，或者对比2图得出上面结论等等......
这样才符合外国人写文章的逻辑。。。
但是要我批改你作文的话就不行了。。。我语法就算个渣渣。。。。只能给你这样的建议了。。。毕竟好几年没考过雅思了。。。但是 英语写作技能还是知道点点的。。。
It's true that (用It's true ...承上启下)modern technology，especially computers（especially computers放在这里不产生歧义）have totally changed our ways（approach改为ways） to study,. Rather than messy ink and pen, computers can help us finish our assignments faster （quick指某个动作的快）, （neater是 形容词，用在这里不合适，省去）（and在此多余的，删去）with more accuracy. Translation is among these. Actually, some people think computers can almost translate all kinds of languages, so（thus改为so）, children no longer have to learn foreign languages. I’m against it for the reasons as follow:
First of all, it is clear that computers can’t translate all kinds of languages especially some languages which are rarely spoken. Moreover, computers have a reputation for poor translation quality. We all know that languages are combination of characters, culture and emotions. Computers,to some degree（on the opposite side 改为to some degree更贴切）, are just cold machines.
In the second place, without studying foreign languages, it is hard for children to understand different culture embedded in them. As I mentioned before, languages are intimately bound up with culture. According to some linguists, there is mounting evidence that learning languages brings（ produce改为brings） physiological changes in the brain, which could affect one’s thoughts（用复数） and perception. That is why western often shares（三单） different views with Chinese people on the same issue. So the choice of giving up learning foreign languages may deprive children of different ways of looking at the world.
Based on the arguments above, despite the fact that computers are able to（ do删去）translate some languages, I stick to the belief that children should learn foreign languages.
我雅思7分，还给我们学校博导翻译过好几次专业论文，改这个应该还是够资格的。
第一段：
1.approach to改means of
2.especially computers提前，放在modern technology后面，否则会让人觉得是用来限定study的。这里存在一个就近原则
3.finish改accomplish。前者是adj,后者是v
4.with去掉
5.almost 和 translate交换下位置
第二段：
1.rarely前面的are去掉
2. languages are combination of characters, culture and emotions改成a language is combination of characters, culture and emotions
3.cold machines这说法太中式了，你跟外国人说外国人绝对不懂。你是想说冰冷的机器吧，说emotionless machine就行呗
第三段：
1.western前面加the
要我打分的话我觉得大概可以打到5.5分左右。不好意思只能打到这个程度了。
整体来说对于一个刚开始练作文的考生来说写的还是可以的，不过我感觉你这个写法更适合GRE作文的ARGUMENT部分。
要写的更像一篇雅思作文，对于这宗问你的观点的题目为了稳妥起见你最好写四段式：提出问题，你支持的原因，你反对的原因，总结。很少有人能写一边倒的作文，因为每一方观点需要提出大概3个原因并配以三个论据，要一边倒的话就是6个原因加6个论据实在太困难了。
建议多琢磨下剑2到剑7后面的考官范文，并看看《十天突破雅思写作》。其实国人打7分并不难，而且事实上绝大多数打7分的都建立在听力和阅读足够高以及作文和口语不太低的情况下。
好好准备准备，2个月就完全足够了。祝你成功
Nowadays, modern technology (especially computers), have totally changed our approach to study. (Unlike) messy ink and pen, computers can help us finish our assignments quicker, neater and (more accurately). Translation is among these. Actually, some people think computers can almost translate all kinds of languages(and therefore) children no longer have to learn foreign languages. I’m against it for the reasons as follow:
First of all, it is clear that computers can’t translate all kinds of languages especially some languages which are rarely spoken. (Meanwhile 觉得更像并列关系), computers have a reputation for poor translation quality （如果我写这句话会写成：Even if they can translate one language to another, computers do no have a reputation of high translation quality）.
Finally and most importantly,）we all know that languages are combination of characters, culture and emotion. Computers,(however,) are just cold machines. (这句不加在第一个理由那段吧，因为逻辑上不是同一件事) Without studying foreign languages, it is hard for children to understand different cultures embedded in them. As I mentioned before, Languages are intimately bound up with culture (and thoughts). According to some linguists, there is mounting evidence that learning languages produce physiological changes in the brain, which could affect one’s thought and perception. That is why (eastern and western people often have different or even opposite views on the same issue). So the choice of giving up learning foreign languages may deprive children of (having) different ways of (viewing) the world.
Based on the arguments above, despite the fact that computers are able to do translate some languages, I stick to the belief that children should learn foreign languages.
可以加个理由在中间：学其他语言是用来做人与人间的沟通的，不仅仅是完成作业。比如可以写点：
Secondly, to learn a foreign language is ultimately for the purpose of communicating with others, especially in a face-to-face meeting. It is weird to imagine that two people use computers instead their mouths to talk with each other. And even for reading foreign articles, one can better appreciate them if he or she know this language.
文章中的句子连贯性不够，应多加连词。句式要多有变换。
第一段的铺陈太多，不够直白。阐述双方观点的句子与原题的句子过于相似，应该改一下句式和用词。
后面的我没看
我觉得还是要专业的老师改比较好~
哦。我朋友在新奇雅思买了张写作卡~100元改六篇作文~超划算。我借了他的来改。他们那的老师都是自己考了雅思的，还是超高分。。
地址是：盐道街中学旁边~、(好像要到他们那儿去交钱 买卡。交作文就直接网上提交就行了，改也是回复到邮箱。）
新奇雅思的电话 好像是86664596
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