急需一个英语小幽默` 初二水平的
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer, "I see that your pig likes apples, but isn't that quite a waste of time?"The farmer replied, "What's time to a pig?"
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
Girl: Father, I have sinned.
Preacher: What did you do, little girl?
Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.
Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?
Girl: He touched my breast.
Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)
Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.
Preacher: That's no reason to call him that.
Girl: But he also took off my cloth.
Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)
Girl: Yes, that's what he did.
Preacher: That's still no reason to call him that.
Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that's what he did...
Preacher: My dear girl, that's still no reason to call him a...
Girl: But he had AIDS!!
Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
1. TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!
2. TEACHER: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with "I".
ELLEN: I is...
TEACHER: No, Ellen. We always say, "I am."
ELLEN: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."
3. TEACHER: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?
CLASS: Big hands!
4. TEACHER: Didn't you promise to behave?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir.
TEACHER: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't?
STUDENT: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.
5. TEACHER: In this box, I have a 10-feet snake.
SAMMY: You can't fool me, Teacher... snakes don't have feet.
小姐：Hello.
老外：Hi.
小姐：You have what thing?
老外：Can you speak English?
小姐：If I not speak English, I am speaking what?
老外：Can anybody else speak English?
小姐：You yourself look. All people are playing, no people have time.
老外：Anybody here can speak English?
小姐：Shout what shout, quiet a little, you on earth have what thing?
老外：I want to speak to your head.
小姐：Head not zai. You tomorrow come
外国人："Hi."
前台小姐："You have what thing?"(你有什么事？)
外国人："Can you speak Eng-lish?"(你会讲英语吗)
前台小姐："If I not speak English， I am speaking what?"(如果我不会说，那我现在说的什么)
外国人："Can anybody else speak English? "(还有谁能讲英语吗)
前台小姐："You yourself look. all people are playing，no people have time， you can wait， you wait， you not wait， you go."(你自己看看，所有人都在玩呢，都没空，你愿意等就等，不愿意就走你)
外国人："Good heavens. anybody here can speak English?"(我的上帝，这儿有谁会说英语吗)
前台小姐："Shout what shout， quiet a little， you on earth have what thing."(喊什么喊，安静点，你到底有什么事)
老外："I want to speak to your head."(我想和你的领导谈谈)
前台小姐："Head not zai.You tomorrow come."(头儿不在，明再来吧)
Professor Godwin,feeling unwell,wrote on his bedroom door this notice:"The professor will be unable to meet his classes this evening." A student rubbed out a letter and made it,"The professor will be unable to meet his lasses this evening." Godwin,perceiving this, turned the tables by striking off the next letter, and making the notice read;" The professor will be unable to meet his asses this evening.
译文：戈德温博士感到不舒服，于是写了张便条贴在卧室门上：“晚上博士不能来上课了。”一学生看后将一字母擦去，意思就变成了：“晚上博士不能来见他的情人们了。”戈德温博士看后，心生一计，又擦掉一个字母，最后便条的内容就成了“晚上博士不能来见他的蠢驴们了。”
（注：class班级；lass情人；ass蠢驴，关键在表演时可重读这些词，如果不熟悉的话让观众说出意思，不然毫无效果）
A：（生气的）谁和你是同学？
C：我们是朋友。
B：（生气的）你心里还有我这个朋友吗？
C：我们互相帮助互相关心，是应该的。并不是所有的男女关系都只能存在着爱情，友情同样可以存在的。我是你们师姐，关心你们，帮助你们也是应该的。
A：怎么，你不是要和我发展那种关系？
B：你对我没意思啊？
[《祝你一路顺风》伴奏曲响起。
C：（深情的）你们都想到哪儿去了？我们快毕业了，明天我就要走了，我走了以后，我们还是好朋友，有空要多联系啊。来，你们过来。
[A 、B慢慢走过去。
C：（拿出一本书，给A）A，这本书是我送给你的，你曾经打算要买的。来，拿去吧，作个留念吧。
[A双手接过，低着头，抚摸着书面。
C：（拿出一支钢笔，对B）B，这钢笔送给你，你曾经向我借过，还夸它挺好写的。我知道你挺喜欢书法的，拿去多多练习啊。
[B双手接过，低着头。
[稍后电铃声响起。
C：师弟，我该走了，咱们再见了！（缓缓的走开）
A：（同时，深情地）师姐再见！
B：（见C走了几步）师姐，要记得我们啊。
C的画外音：会的。
A: Who (is angry) and you is schoolmate?
C: We are the friend.
B: (Is angry) in your heart also to have my this friend?
C: We help to care about mutually mutually, is should.Is not all sexual relations all only can have love, the friendship may exist similarly.I am your female apprentice, cares about you, helps you also is should.
A: How, aren't you must develop that kind of relations with me?
B: You do not have the meaning to me?
["Wishes Your Bon Voyage" the partner to play a tune resounds.
C: (Affection) you all thought where went? We have graduated quickly, I will have to walk tomorrow, I walked after, our good friend, had free time wants to relate.Comes, you come.
[A, B walk slowly.
C: (Puts out a book, for A) A, this book is I gives you, you once planned had to buy.Comes, to take away, makes to accept as a memento.
[A both hands received, lower the head, are stroking written.
C: (Puts out a fountain pen, to B) B, this fountain pen gave you, you has borrowed to me, but also very well praised it to write.I knew you very like the calligraphy, takes away very much practices.
[B both hands received, lower the head.
[Later the electric bell sound gets up.
C: The fellow, I should walk, we goodbye! (Slowly gets out of the way)
A: (At the same time, affectionately) female apprentice goodbye!
B: (Saw C to walk several steps) the female apprentice, had to remember us.
C offscreen voice: Meeting.
One day a visitor from the city came to a small rural area to drive around the country roads, see how the farms looked, and perhaps to see how farmers earned their living.The city man saw a farmer in his yard, holding a pig up in his hands, and lifting it so that the pig could eat apples from an apple tree.The city man said to the farmer, "I see that your pig likes apples, but isn't that quite a waste of time?"The farmer replied, "What's time to a pig?"
一天，有一个城市里的游客来到一个小乡村，在乡间路上开着车，想看看农庄是什么样子，也想看看农夫怎样种田过日子。这位城里人看见一位农夫在宅后的草地上，手中抱着一头猪，并把它举得高高的，好让它能够吃到树上的苹果。城里人对农夫说，"我看你的猪挺喜欢吃苹果的，但是，这不是很浪费时间吗?"那位农夫回答说，"时间对猪有什么意义?"
One girl went to the preacher and confessed her sin.
Girl: Father, I have sinned.
Preacher: What did you do, little girl?
Girl: Yesterday, I called a man a son of a Bitch.
Preacher: Why? What did he do to you?
Girl: He touched my breast.
Preacher: You mean like this? (The guy did it.)
Girl: (A little shy from the touch) Yes.
Preacher: That's no reason to call him that.
Girl: But he also took off my cloth.
Preacher: You mean like this? (He did it again.)
Girl: Yes, that's what he did.
Preacher: That's still no reason to call him that.
Girl: And he put his you-know-what into my you-know-what...
Preacher: (evil laugh...) You mean like this? (And you-know-what)
Girl: (After a few minutes...) Ugh... Yeah, that's what he did...
Preacher: My dear girl, that's still no reason to call him a...
Girl: But he had AIDS!!
Preacher: THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!
Where is the father?
Two brothers were looking at some beautiful paintings.
"Look," said the elder brother. "How nice these paintings are!"
"Yes," said the younger, "but in all these paintings there is only the mother and the children. Where is the father?"
The elder brother thought for a moment and then explained, "Obviously he was painting the pictures."
父亲在哪儿？
兄弟俩在看一些漂亮的油画。
“看，”哥哥说，“这些画多漂亮呀！”
“是啊，”弟弟说道，“可是在所有这些画中，只有妈妈和孩子。那爸爸去哪儿了呢？”
哥哥想了会儿，然后解释道：“很明显，他当时正在画这些画呗。”
The poor husband
"You can't imagine how difficult it is for me to deal with my wife," the man complained to his friend. "She asks me a question, then answers it herself, and after that she explained to me for half an hour why my answer is wrong.
可怜的丈夫
“你根本无法想象和我妻子打交道是多么的难，”一个男人对他的朋友诉苦说，“她问我一个问题，然后自己回答了，过后又花半个小时跟我解释为什么我的答案是错的。”
Does the dog know the proverb, too?
The little boy did not like the look of the barking dog.
"It's all right," said a gentleman, "don't be afraid. Don't you know the proverb: Barking dogs don't bite?"
"Ah, yes," answered the little boy. "I know the proverb, but does the dog know the proverb, too?"
狗也知道这个谚语吗？
一个小男孩非常不喜欢狗狂叫的样子。
“没有关系，”一位先生说，“不用害怕，你知道这条谚语吗：‘吠狗不咬人。’”
“啊，我是知道，可是狗也知道吗？”
A speeding motorist was waved down by a police patrol car. “I'm going to give you a ticket for speeding,” said the policeman, writing his note. “You've been driving over 60 miles per hour.”
“Would you mind making it 100, officer?” was the reply. “You see, I'm going to sell the car.”
超速行驶
一名超速行驶的驾驶员被巡逻警车拦住后，警察一边做记录，一边说：“我要给你开一张超速罚单，因为你刚才的车速已经超过了60英里。”
“警官，请你把时速写为100英里好吗？你知道，我正要打算卖这辆车。”
Patient:How much to have this tooth pulled?Dentist:$100.Patient:$100 for just a few minutes' work?Dentist:I can pull it very slowly if you like.这将花我多少钱？病人：拔这颗牙多少钱？牙医：100美元。病人：仅仅几分钟就100美元？牙医：如果你喜欢，我能拔的非常慢。
编写幽默的英语小故事
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找一篇英语幽默小短文
listen.猪还是女巫 一个男人在一条陡峭狭窄的山路上驾车，一个女人相向驾车而来。他们相遇时，那个女的从窗中伸出头来叫到：“猪！！”那个男的立即从窗中伸出头来回敬道：“女巫！！”他们继续前行。这个男的在下一个路口转弯时，撞上了路中间的一头猪。要是这个男的能听懂那个女人的意思就好了。
急需英语超级搞笑幽默对话!!初1程度,通俗易懂
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写一段"英语小幽默"
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英语小故事1分钟幽默
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